Love is just a game piece to some…

Where do I start? How do I start? It’s impossible to explain the depth of love that I have for a man. Sure I’m angry, hurt, confused, etc. I have every reason in the world to be. People just watch me as I go through the motions online. No one is here with me.

I fell in love with him a long time ago under a messy situation that should’ve never happened. If it had never happened then I wouldn’t be in this awful spot I’m in emotionally & mentally. I received my karma for it already, then ended up used & abused emotionally because of love.

I slept, ate, & breathed this man for years. He took advantage of that, & of me.

No one in my life has ever made me feel the things in the ways that he can, or did. Maybe it was only because I love him that I felt everything on a very strong level. I thought that he did too, but he’s proved me wrong over & over. I believed the lies about being told by him that I was the only one that ever made him feel in a way no one else could. That I was the only one he ever said a certain phrase too, he knows what it is, but I don’t believe that either.

Being without him makes me feel lost in a way, but being away from him I’m at peace too so it’s confusing. “My spot” in the bed laying next to him a certain way has been taken over by women that’ll never mean nothing to him other than sex. Maybe that’s all he thought of me too. I mean he was able to let me go like it didn’t bother him at all.

We were together, living together, trying to make a happy relationship or at least I was anyways. He was working on other plans behind my back with other women. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, I really did. I think I’m too mature for him because he wants to live a life of nothing but different women around him at all times. He’s not capable of making one woman happy. He’s not capable of saving one woman’s feelings & hurting useless other women’s feelings instead. He calls some of them his best friends, friends he’s slept with countless times. To me it would seem that if a man loves you that he would cut off everyone that felt like a threat to her & him. If a woman is not anymore important than that to a man, then why in the hell would they use, abuse, & destroy a good woman??? Why would he toss me aside to save his f***buddies if he loved me & wanted a future with me?

Why did he have to lie to me, & use me, & screw me up mentally, devastate me emotionally, leave me in such spots in life without a care? If I didn’t mean more than that to him, then why waste a big part of my life? Why did he even contact me to begin with if he already knew he was going to leave me like this? He already knew what kind of a man he was, so why would he do this to me?

He never would post on social media on his own about me, rarely a picture, rarely interacted with me at all. He acted & showed as if he was embarrassed for others to know about me. Or maybe it was because other women were watching. I got one note from him that he hand wrote, one out of over 6 years. He had hurt me during a particular day & had cooked supper & laid the note next to the plate.

Why are these women & living like he isnt an adult more satisfying than having a good woman who is his actual best friend, who always had his back & would’ve always. Who strived passionately to please him. Why?

I was accused of so many different things that I was overwhelmed with the stress of it. I done everything I could & showed proof of everything I could to convince him he was wrong about me. I never showed him signs of cheating or anything bad. I just innocently loved him. Later I realized that he wasn’t actually thinking I did anything wrong, it was him shifting guilt on me to cover up his wrong doings against me. At the end, the last day of our relationship, I woke up to him coming in way too early from work. He rushed to the bathroom to wash up. I sat there & asked questions, turns out he never even went to work that day. He had spent 6 hours at another woman’s place. His first words were, “I didn’t touch her, it was just a very needed conversation”. I immediately grabbed my things & l left him that day & I haven’t returned. I had already packed my things throughout the week because my gut was telling me what was going on but yet I still tried to be with him. That was the last dish of pain that I could take from him. I can’t do it anymore. People don’t understand because they believe the outline of his life lies & they don’t know any better. I’m looked at like I’m crazy because I left him, but truth is, is that he’s not capable of being honest & faithful to anyone.

I really don’t think I know him at all anymore. The guy I thought I knew was obviously just a ghost I thought I seen.

My life has set in idle this whole time because of him, because I wanted him. I f***** up my life waiting for him, loving him. I was just a game piece to him.

He gets off without hurting.

He gets off without feeling remorseful.

He’s continuing that immature life as we speak, & has yet to apologize or even pretend like he’s sad after the way he’s treated me.

I’ve read harsh words & statements he’s wrote about me to others & he doesn’t know that I know. Those words have cut me like a knife.

Will he ever wake up? Did he ever have any feelings for me? After everything, I don’t think he even remotely ever gave a damn about me. He used me to get back at others, he used me until he found another woman to play with. This shit is no joke. This has took a toll on my life, my everything because of a man that never had any good intentions with me. It isn’t fair that these men & women that are nothing but evil keep getting away with destroying good people.

This isn’t just a break up with a pissed off woman. This is serious shit that has f***** me up for life!! People just brush me off like I’ll just get over it in no time. “Yeah okay all you Susans, sure I will”.

I know I will get better eventually. I am a strong woman raised by a strong woman. But this isn’t just a break up, it’s bigger than that on my end.

I remember laying in the bathroom floor, crying so hard & trying to be quite. I begged out loud for God to help me. The reason I ask is because I know walking away from him for life will be hard on my own, I can’t do it on my own. I do know that it is the healthiest thing for me to do for myself, to rid my life of him. He has consumed my everything & he has to be removed completely.

So I guess the good thing is, is that even during this struggle with this. I have been working on my future. In a very short time it will begin to show. I feel a sigh of relief with just the thoughts of being in a better place. A better place in life & free from a toxic relationship is the medicine I need.

I don’t have a clue as to how to help others on this one. I am fighting to help myself. My mind & heart are working against each other, & I’m in the middle holding up my white flag.

It’s all about me now for the first real time in my life. I refuse to put myself on a shelf to please anyone ever again. I may not be the greatest, but what I offer is quite amazing & I do have confidence in myself in that sense. So any man not willing to step up to the plate & be the man I need will not get next to me to hurt me.

Love, Lori


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