Six months ago today I walked away from a person that I was absolutely in love with.
My world came crashing down. My heart broke into for the last time, because it cannot handle anymore.
It was extremely hard to do, but I did it.
It doesn’t matter how much you love someone. How good you are to them. How honest & faithful you are to them. How you’ll drop everything to run & be by their side for them in their time of need. Sometimes it just doesn’t matter to some people that you love them so so much.
We have memories together. We have songs that are ‘our’ songs, one of them I sang to him while we were intimate. There are so many pictures & posts that are ours. There are items in both of our homes that have memories of the other one. There are places all over town that I cannot bring myself to visit because me & him have been there together. I have a nickname by him. There are so many memories of our intimacy that I cannot erase from my mind. Everywhere I look I see him, his eyes. I dream of him. He’s in my thoughts all the time. I look at my phone quite often wanting to hit that call button, but I can’t & I won’t.
You see it may sound like we loved each other & had a fall. But that’s not the case at all.
He didn’t love me…
He didn’t care about me…
I was played repeatedly over six years.
I received so much emotional, mental, & financial hell that I forgot who I was.
He abandoned me when I needed him the most. That I will never forget I promise.
Yes I ran away but…He left me for dead. He abandoned me. He left me without a vehicle, a home, a job, or money, or even a good riddens. He abused me & I had to pay the price for his abuse. I allowed him to make me out to be the villain in order to save myself.
I managed to get approved for a car loan. I had no job & no money…. That was God! I lived & worked in my new car for 3 months straight. Working 6-7 days a week, saving every dime. I rented a nice little home for myself. I get to go home after work & it’s the best feeling ever. Now I have 2 jobs, & painting jobs on the side.
I am a very thankful person. I know exactly where I’ve come from, how far I’ve came, & how hard I work to get even better.
Just because you are in love with someone doesn’t always mean that you need to stay or be with them. All I can do is love him from a distance. There were good times I won’t lie, but the bad times outweigh the good by far.
I have been working on myself this whole time. I have refused to date, talk, or sleep with another man during this healing season. I want to be healed & safe for the man that’s gonna love me for real. It takes a lot of strength to be alone, but it is absolutely necessary in order to heal.
He’ll always be in the back of my mind. Songs, places, scents, etc will probably always remind me of ‘us’. But I know that one day the next man will cause me to slowly forget to think about my ex so much.
I decided to not list all the ugly details because it doesn’t do any good. No one believes me against him. He is almighty in everyone’s eyes but mine, & the other women he’s mistreated of course.
I came to know & care about his family, which feels like a break up all by itself. They were becoming my family, but he ripped them away from me as well as himself.
This has been the most painful six years of my life. These last six months have been excruciating to me. People see me laugh & smile, but they have no idea of how much pain I’ve been in.
I am healing. I am better than I was six months ago by far. I do still have nightmares of him on occasion. I do see how he’s affected me when I deal with problems or have to deal with problematic people. He has scarred me for life. He doesn’t even care to know that. That pains me deeply.
This is my journey. And my journey is to help those beginning their own journeys. You can do it if I can do it! Trust me. Just do it!
I have silently dedicated Whitney Houston’s song ‘I will always love you’ to my ex boyfriend. That is my goodbye to him. I want him to know that I loved him from the bottom of my heart. But he will never get another chance. He will never get to be with me again. He will never have the opportunity to abuse me in any way ever again.
I love myself so much more!!!!
I no longer need his ventilator of narcissistic or mental melt down or emotional abuse to live on anymore. I cut the cord. I am free from the trauma bond… Finally.
I’m not writing to soley bash anyone. I do it for my own healing, & to help others during their times of healing. Sometimes people just need to know that they’re not alone.
I hope & pray that my life continues going in the great direction it has been in. I couldn’t of made it without God.
Love, Lori (aka-Lorlita)