I tried to love a man that didn’t love me or respect me.
I am mentally, emotionally, financially, & physically exhausted from loving him.
I have learned that God will allow them to hurt you, until you learn that with them isn’t where you belong.
I can call him names, post screenshots, write down the hurtful & disrespectful things he’s done… But there’s no sense in it. No one will believe me, my side of the story anyways, & that’s ok. I don’t care about proving anything to anyone. I do not have to prove myself. The way I live my life & love, is enough proof in it’s self.
Instead of acting the way I normally do by allowing the pain & anger to rule me, I’m just appreciative that I am free.
But I will not be quite this time to save his reputation. He hurt me repeatedly over 6 long excruciating years. I just hope I save the next girl that gets with him, or save someone out there from being treated this way.
The pain will subside.
The trauma bond will fade.
The nightmares will stop.
I may not be educated, or work in a fancy office, or have a knock out body, or have money, or be the most nicest person. But I am me. And that is the greatest gift I can give is myself. I’m ridiculously faithful, honest as they come, cuss like a sailor, work like a man, annoyingly goofy, have acquired talents that earn money without an education, etc. I will never change who I am again. Hopefully I will be able to pick up the remnants of myself to put back together as a whole soon.
I will never ever water myself down again to fit into someone else’s world. I will never allow my family to be put aside because someone else’s is more important.
Life is scary short. Too short to beg someone to love you. It’s ok to be alone. It’s ok to walk away when your boundaries are ignored. It’s ok to walk away due to mind games, disrespect, deceit, lies, etc.
It’s just perfectly ok to walk away if you’re not happy. It is YOUR life, not theirs.
I will never allow anyone to ever cause me to step outside of myself again. Having me act & feel like a crazy person for wanting a normal relationship. Having anger come out of me that I’ve never seen before in my life, that ain’t who I am. I was shut out for wanting love & respect reciprocated. I have been abandoned many times because I busted him. That’s how he reacted to running from his wrongs.
The anger the victim develops from the mental & emotional abuse causes them to snap.
It’s called reaction to their abuse. The victim will lash out. The victim will yell, cuss, throw things, get physical with the abuser, etc. And when the victim acts that way, it’s because they have absolutely snapped their shit due to all the emotional & mental abuse they’re receiving from the abuser. Then the abuser takes your reaction to their abuse, & will twist it to where you’re apologizing to them for reacting to their bullshit. They will take your reactions & make everyone think you are the abuser, even yourself. That nonsense will make anyone crazy.
Let me tell you something. If you are asking yourself or others, or you’re googling to see if you are the narcissist…..You’re not! Narcissists don’t ask if they are because they don’t think anything is wrong with what they do or say. Yes they know they’re a piece of shit & you’re never to realize that, but they think they’re always right in everything. They will NEVER apologize for anything. They will belittle you. They will make all the relationship & household rules & expect you to abide by them. They will lie. They will cheat. They will hide things from you. They do not ever show interest in things about you unless it gets them what they want at the time. They don’t care about your well being. They don’t care about your feelings. They don’t care about your family. They don’t care about your future. You are only tricked into thinking you mean the world to them so they can benefit from you for whatever their need is during that time frame. They will love bomb you over & over. They don’t love you… They love the way you love them unconditionally over & over after every breakup or fight. They love controlling you. The moment you’re onto them, or have busted them on something, or whatever, they will become very angry with you. That’s when the mind twisting game begins. Now you are the abuser for pointing out their flaws, or lies, or cheating. Now you are the jealous, insecure, psychotic, narcissist that’s making them miserable. Now they’re screaming at you to shut up, to get out of the house, to leave them, etc. Then the guilt trip bullshit: I can’t believe you went through my phone & found messages to my ex-wife, you wouldn’t know about it if you wasn’t snooping. Now the abuser screams they can’t trust you. Ironic isn’t it??? When you’re the loyal & honest one. Now you’re the bad guy because they got busted. They no longer want a relationship with you & will end things abruptly, simply because they cannot weasel their way out of this one.
After some time they contact you either doing the fake apology, promising counseling, saying they know you’re the one they’re meant to be with, promising marriage but never do it, or, they twist it all to attempt to get you to apologize so you two can get back together. Sound familiar? I’ve been down that hell of roller coaster ride many times with the same person. Never again.
I could go on for days with this, but I’d say anyone who knows enough to feel what I’m saying, knows about it all to well.
The best thing to do even though it feels very difficult is to just leave & stay gone.
It’s perfectly normal to go through the motions of a breakup. Cry, scream, break things, etc. Whatever you gotta do is normal to the hell you endured. Also it’s normal to admit you miss them. But please take note: You miss the person you thought they were during the love bombing stage, that’s not who they really are. Just remind yourself of that every time your mind wonders towards them.
You’re never going to be loved correctly, respected, be the only one they have sex with, be able to trust them, etc. Just leave for your own sake. Just leave. Because someone out there is wanting exactly what you are. You are enough to be the only woman or man in someone’s life. You will be their everything just like you’ve dreamed of. But you have to let go of this vicious cycle you’re stuck in. It has to be broken in order for you to even remotely trust someone else with your heart fully.
Love is happiness, trusting, & a safe place. Love shouldn’t be something that makes you unhappy, treating you like you’re less than. Love is happiness…
I am free.