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My Heart Is Waking Up

Oh my goodness at the relief I have been feeling lately! Do you want to know what it’s about? I’ll tell you in a minute…

I have shared so many posts about my life over the last 6 years. One of the biggest topics was my latest relationship. Damn was it pure hell. Damn I been through it enough to have several women’s fair shares under my belt. You cannot see but only a few posts right now, because I have over 400 posts put back in my drafts folder. I will be going through them deciding what to delete, & what to republish. It will probably take me a little while to do so. If anyone has dated or married a partner with narcissistic traits, you may understand why I need to discard some posts about him. The love letters, poems, pictures, & sharing info about the nasty with him must go. None of it was real. The entire relationship was only real to me, not him. I was the only one that actually loved, cared, worried, etc, during the entire relationship. It’s sad really, for myself.

Man at how the passion felt so real. The love felt so real. Everything felt so real. But.. It was only real to ME. I literally broke my own heart by loving him. I knew better from the very beginning, but I went deaf to my own words, morals, beliefs, & standards. Love makes you stupid.

I fell in love with him the very first day I met him. He slightly hugged me, & kissed my cheek. My heart flopped in my chest. BAM, he got me hooked on him the first day. I could not let him go, so instead I chose to eat shit just so I could be with him. I walked away from life. My hobbies. My wants & likes. My dreams. Everything!!!

I tried so hard. But I only tried for him, not myself. I stood beside him no matter how many times I had to pick my heart up off the floor right in front of him while he showed no emotion or regard whatsoever to my feelings. I held him up with a heartache of his own while my heart was still broken by him. I stood by him at every hospital trip. I worried & prayed every time he was sick or in pain. I did or gave or said or believed anything he wanted.

But one day not too long ago, something in me snapped. I woke up one morning & decided that I didn’t want to be unhappy any longer. No matter how much I loved him, I wanted to leave him & his chaotic life. His disrespect, his judgements, his lies, his selfishness, his fake love, his immature financial drain, his mind games, his mental issues, etc etc etc etc……….

Even knowing that I needed to go on with my life, I still remained by his side for a time.

Oh my God at how people feel sooooo sorry for him. It makes me sick at my stomach! He spent his entire life screwing over women. Literally. He hasn’t been faithful, or honest, or anything to anyone his entire life through every relationship he ever had. I recently saw one of his family members share a meme about how good people make bad choices & mistakes…… Um I’m sorry but this man isn’t making bad decisions or mistakes. He makes choices to be a worthless, spineless person. Of course his family will Never see it! I guess they’ll still support his shitty behavior towards women until he beats the hell out of one putting her in the hospital, or maybe worse..

People do not believe that I was abused at all. He abused me in every way he could. Emotionally, mentally, financially, & physical abuse was beginning but I ran!! I left him for good!!

I can write 10,000 word posts & I still won’t be able to convince anyone that he abused me. That he was heartless towards me. That he purposely set out many times just for the sole purpose of breaking my heart. That he speaks behind my back to everyone about me, spreading lie after lie. Those lies are placed like they are so that no one could possibly catch on that he’s the damn demon!!

This last time around I busted him messaging other women. I lost my shit. I flipped out. He told me I could do whatever, & put whatever on his phone so that I know he’ll never do it again. So I did!!!! It lasted barely 4 months. It was a program that allowed me to see who was messaging him & such from any platform. The last 2 months we were together he seemed to have just went mental. He wasn’t acting, talking, or nothing like himself. Truth about that is that’s who he really is, & I had met the actual real demon that he is! He started arguing for no reason. He put me down on anything I did. I caught him several times talking shit to his family, & on his job about me. It’s untelling what these people have heard about me that’s not even remotely true. We broke up because for one he was in my face screaming at me again. He claimed that I had been lying to him the entire time I’ve known him. That I have been hacking his phone for 14 months, but it was barely 4 months, & he gave permission for those 4 months. That I was connected with his past partners working against him. That I hated his family, & his kid. That I wanted his money. He would literally hide his money from me or put it all in his brother’s accounts. I’ve never stolen a dime from anyone in my life so I’m not really sure where that came from. He would run up to my face, lifting a hand, screaming at me that I deserve to be hit!! He did that several times & I started freaking out, not wanting to be alone with him anymore. All of that anger ONLY came from arguments about his phone. He claimed he didn’t have to prove he was faithful that I was supposed to blindly trust this man that has cheated on every woman he was with. When we got back together this last time. I’m pretty sure he cheated on me while I was at work with his lifelong best friend who lives nearby. That was during the first 5 days we were back together & he was love bombing me. And a week later is when I busted him messaging another female. I should’ve ran like hell then! But I loved him.

So yes, I will tell my story. I will scream it at the top of my lungs every day until I can walk away completely from that demon being in my head. And to help other women after me if they so choose to contact me, or other women anywhere period.

No one & I mean no one can tell me how to heal. No one can just say I’m making this all up, & that he’s nothing like I say. No one can tell me how to feel. No one was there during any of the ugliness that he showed to me behind closed doors.

I wasted 6 long years of my life with him. I lost everything I had almost, including myself.

I was so sick of him this time, that I left him without money – a job – a vehicle- & a home. I literally had absolutely nothing. I simply didn’t care, I just wanted to be away from him! I couldn’t stomach another day wasted being with him. I’m sure he thinks he’ll get away with what he’s done to me, & for not even trying to help me being homeless & without when it was 90% his fault. He’s financially immature. He drained every dollar I had, put me doing without, but wouldn’t help me when we broke up after he just sold a house. He hasn’t even paid me for all the time I put in working on that ugly house for months! Where’s that money? Spent on useless whores? Probably so!

Karma will come for him. And I believe when it does that he’ll think of me when it hits. Simply because he knows how shitty he had treated me.

The man I first met was not the man I left.

His mask fell off completely. His true self was exposed, & he was ugly to me in every way. When a person is ugly on the inside, they’re ugly on the outside.

I think the thing that gets under my skin is that everyone else still thinks he’s a great guy, except us women that were in a relationship with him. I have never met someone who was nothing but a total piece of shit. All of those people who think he’s great have no idea how much he has shit talked them behind their back.

He always talked himself up since I’ve known him. I didn’t really think anything about it until now. Everything makes perfect sense to me. He constantly would tell me he’s a great guy. He also told me numerous times that I was the last person in the world he wanted to hurt, but he went out of his way to make sure that he did in fact hurt me every chance he could.

I sang to this man during sex because he asked me to. I thought that was the most erotic thing ever. All of the things that I thought were of love & care were nothing but him being spiteful & hateful. He was a fake to me. He wasted 6 years of my life for nothing other than for him to use me, then for us to turn right back into strangers. I am a decent woman, & all I wanted was to be loved back. I was never going to get that from him, ever!

He belittled me. He spoke down to me. He made fun of me. He rejected me in the bedroom every single time I initiated sex. He complained about everything I did or was doing. He didn’t like anything about me, & I had to change. He made me feel unwanted, unattractive, & useless. He would start arguments for no reason other than he didn’t want me sleeping next to him, so I’d have to sleep on the couch. He got in my face many times acting like he was going to hit me. Near the end of the relationship this time, he would get in my face & scream that I deserved to be hit. He would tell lies to his family & friends behind my back when I thought we were doing good. He was preparing for our break up long before we broke up. He made me seem like the narcissist to everyone without my knowing so that when I exploded & left him, I looked like the psychopath to everybody. I walked up on one of his jobs & overheard him tell the crew that because he was crouching down to use his phone because the sun was bright, that I’d swear up & down he was talking to some girl. I didn’t say anything for awhile, nor let him know that I had heard him. I read messages between him & others where he acted as if he was miserable with me, then he’d pull me into ‘my spot’ next to him so he could hold me. I’ve left him many times. Once he promised marriage if I’d come back to him. He took us on a week trip to get married. When the week was almost over, I asked when are we getting married. He blew up so bad that I wanted to run & never look back! I felt so humiliated. I felt numb that I had fell for his fake ass loving lies again. He told me the reason he wouldn’t marry me was because I was a financial train wreck. Mind you that I’m the one that always had money taking care of his stupid needs for food & gas. Every week, every dollar was wasted mostly by him, but he declared me as the financial train wreck. He allowed an underage kid to disrespect me that lives with him. I never felt safe. I never felt relaxed. He disrespected me every day. My health was getting bad due to his stress on me, I didn’t have a period until I left him this time. He had no interest in anything about me, only things that would benefit him. He never showed any care for me when I was sick or something. He wouldn’t hold me like someone that loved you would. He wouldn’t post about me because other women would see, & it would go against the lies he has spread behind my back & it would confuse people.

He projected every fault of his own onto me.

He still acts & speaks today like I was a horrible person to him, & speaks as if he’s the victim.

He walks around all high & mighty as if he’s a great guy who had another bad relationship & he’s free. All of his ex’s are horrible according to him only.

He will compliment, have sex with, & help some ugly ass useless whore before he’d ever help me. I’m the woman that stood by his side, never left his bedside in hospitals, came running at any hour he didn’t want to be alone, ate painful heartache shit every time he wanted to have sex with some girl or claimed love for one of them, etc etc etc

Despite his lies… I never wronged that man. I never lied, cheated, hacked his phone, stole from him, plotted shit behind his back, used him, wished bad for him, or did anything spiteful towards him.

He resents me. He hates me. He disrespects me. He used me. He lied to me & on me. He cheated on me. He embarrassed me. He broke my heart several times. He made me look stupid. He made fun of me. He always put me & my feelings beneath other women.

Now I can see as clear as day that I was the victim of a narcissist.

Never again will he ever have me crying in the bathroom floor again!

Everything he said, or did, or made me feel… Was nothing other than himself projecting all of his ugliness onto me so that no one would realize that it was him all along who was the complete piece of shit. He doesn’t want anyone to realize that he has major issues, & he doesn’t care how much he has to hurt me in order to succeed with that projecting.

I WILL TELL MY STORY AS MANY TIMES AS I NEED TO. If I don’t stand up for myself, then who will???

I am healing..

And this time I’m healing for good. I reached that fed up point of being abused on the daily by him that I couldn’t look at him anymore.

Less than a week after leaving him, I started my periods back. I work 2 jobs. Miraculously own a car. And a few others in the process that I’m not mentioning right now. When I’m with him, everything fails & falls apart. When I’m on my own, I exceed abundantly. Those are very clear signs that I was loving the wrong man who doesn’t & never deserved me, & living in the wrong environment.

With the right man, we can build a great relationship together, & great things. I cannot do any of that with a man who purposely walks all over me with his muddy boots, & refuses to acknowledge he needs mental help.

I will try to list more about narcissists in the next post or two to help some understand what they might’ve or may be going through.

When a good woman is deemed a bad woman by a bad man, she will find her strength again. She will rise again better than before. She will find true love after she walks out of the narcissistic hell. Her coat may be scorched by the flames, but it’s repairable.

Love, Lori

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