The Best Will Be Mine

Running through a dark damp forest with no sign of a way out.

Fighting for strength to open my eyes & wake up from my dreams.

Gasping for air from my heart pounding at the thoughts.

Life racing fast in a blur directly at my face & I cannot move.

I look around but I do not see anything because I see nothing but memories.

Excruciating pain from every beat of my heart. For the causer will never understand the depth of pain inflicted on me.

My steps are like those of walking through knee high water.

Staring blankly at the wall, & my mind is like a carousel of thoughts that will not stop spinning.

My hands tremble at what could’ve been.

My heart is as deep as the ocean, & I’m drowning.

You cut me deep, I almost bled to death.

But wait……..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can see a glimpse of light ahead in the forest.

My eyes popped wide open when I needed them too.

My heart soothed itself & I can breath.

Life slowed down, I’m able to look around & see things clearer.

I can now see the grass, people, & things, not just thoughts.

My heart is healing itself for me because it knows enough is enough of that pain. It beats gently. The causer will feel the pain I felt.

My steps are becoming lighter as the water is getting lower, I’m now stomping the water under my bare feet.

My mind doesn’t spin as fast on the thoughts, I actually notice the dust on the wall.

I no longer tremble at could’ve beens, I’m thankful I’m free from what would’ve been the worst for me.

I just coughed up all the water that was drowning my heart in pain.

I looked down & applied a bandage, I no longer bleed. I’m alive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My touch is so gentle for I fear of hurting something or someone like I used to hurt. I could never.

For one day soon someone will match my heart. My love. My wants. My needs. He will match me.

He will understand why I was almost executed with so much pain….It was to be able to notice real love, what love really feels like.

This one, the last one in my life will never hurt me for I will be enough for him. He is a man, not a boy. He will see that my worth is far more precious than how others have mistreated me, using me. They see it but they’re afraid of commitment with me for I’m too strong for them. He won’t be anything like anyone I’ve ever met in my life, as I will cherish him in the same ways. I will view him the exact same as he will view me. Real love.

I will receive the best because I passed the test of having the worst.

Love, Lori

Freedom From Chaos (narcissistic hell)

I tried to love a man that didn’t love me or respect me.

I am mentally, emotionally, financially, & physically exhausted from loving him.

I have learned that God will allow them to hurt you, until you learn that with them isn’t where you belong at all. If something feels off… It is!

I can call him names, post screenshots, write down the hurtful & disrespectful things he’s done… But there’s no sense in it. No one will believe me, my side of the story anyways, & that’s ok. I don’t care about proving anything to anyone. I do not have to prove myself. The way I live my life & love is enough proof in it’s self.

Instead of acting the way I normally do by allowing the pain & anger to rule me, I’m just appreciative that I am free.

But I will not be quite this time to save his reputation. He hurt me repeatedly over 6 long excruciating years. I just hope I save the next girl that gets with him, or save someone out there from being treated this way.

The pain will subside.

The trauma bond will fade.

The nightmares will stop.

I may not be educated, or work in a fancy office, or have a knock out body, or have money, or be the nicest person. But I am me. And that is the greatest gift I can give is myself. I’m ridiculously faithful, honest as they come, cuss like a sailor, work like a man, annoyingly goofy, have acquired talents that earn money without an education(tiling, painting, landscaping, flooring), etc. I will never change who I am again. Hopefully I will be able to pick up the remnants of myself to put back together as a whole soon.

I will never ever water myself down again to fit into someone else’s world. I will never allow my family to be put aside because someone else’s is more important.

Life is scary short. Too short to beg someone to love you. It’s ok to be alone. It’s ok to walk away when your boundaries are ignored. It’s ok to walk away due to mind games, disrespect, deceit, lies, etc.

It’s just perfectly ok to walk away if you’re not happy. It is YOUR life, not theirs.

I will never allow anyone to ever cause me to step outside of myself again. Having me act & feel like a crazy person for wanting a normal relationship. Having anger come out of me that I’ve never seen before in my life, that ain’t who I am. I was shut out for wanting love & respect reciprocated. I have been abandoned & left homeless many times because I busted him. That’s how he reacted to running from his wrongs.

Unpaid from jobs.

The anger the victim develops from the mental & emotional abuse causes them to snap.

It’s called reaction to their abuse. The victim will lash out. The victim will yell, cuss, throw things. Somewhat acting like the abuser, etc. And when the victim acts that way, it’s because they have absolutely snapped their shit due to all the emotional & mental abuse they’re receiving from the abuser. Then the abuser takes your reaction to their abuse, & will twist it to where you’re apologizing to them for reacting to their bullshit. They will take your reactions & make everyone think you are the abuser, even yourself. That nonsense will make anyone crazy.

Let me tell you something. If you are asking yourself or others, or you’re googling to see if you are the narcissist…..You’re not! Narcissists don’t ask if they are because they don’t think anything is wrong with what they do or say. Yes they know they’re a piece of shit & you’re never to realize that, but they think they’re always right in everything. They will NEVER apologize for anything. They will belittle you. They will make all the relationship & household rules & expect you to abide by them. They will lie. They will cheat. They will hide things from you. They do not ever show interest in things about you unless it gets them what they want at the time. They don’t care about your well being. They don’t care about your feelings. They don’t care about your family. They don’t care about your future. You are only tricked into thinking you mean the world to them so they can benefit from you for whatever their need is during that time frame. They will love bomb you over & over. They don’t love you… They love the way you love them unconditionally over & over after every breakup or fight. They love controlling you. The moment you’re onto them, or have busted them on something, or whatever, they will become very angry with you. That’s when the mind twisting game begins. Now you are the abuser for pointing out their flaws, or lies, or cheating. Now you are the jealous, insecure, psychotic, narcissist that’s making them miserable. Now they’re screaming at you to shut up, to get out of the house, to leave them, etc. Then the guilt trip bullshit: I can’t believe you went through my phone & found messages to my ex-wife, you wouldn’t know about it if you wasn’t snooping. Now the abuser screams they can’t trust you. Ironic isn’t it??? When you’re the loyal & honest one. Now you’re the bad guy because they got busted. They no longer want a relationship with you & will end things abruptly, simply because they cannot weasel their way out of this one.

After some time they contact you either doing the fake apology, promising counseling, saying they know you’re the one they’re meant to be with, promising marriage but never do it, or, they twist it all to attempt to get you to apologize so you two can get back together. Sound familiar? I’ve been down that hell of roller coaster ride many times with the same person. Never again.

~~That person you thought was your person is actually the most cruelest person you’ll ever meet.~~ They WILL convince their family & friends, as well as their ‘new female friends’, that you are the piece of shit. They’ll blow social media up with posts & comments portraying that they’re the victim. They’ll have everyone believing the lies they’re spreading about you. Without a doubt you will be presumed as a crazy, psychotic, cheating, lying, thieving, insecure, jealous, unstable, narcissistic waste of flesh…..when they are done talking to someone about you. They have to gain that praise from them for being a victim when they’re actually a demon, they cannot live without it. For as long as you crawl around on their eggshells with bloody knees & hands, you’re welcome in their life. But the moment you begin to realize who they really are, they’ll discard you for others that have no idea who they truly are. The cycle then repeats. The new person goes through the same hell, then becomes their next problem after being discovered that they’re ex was actually telling the truth with the posts, blog, etc.

Those people that he doesn’t allow to get to close to him, but keeps them in contact enough to eat up their praise, & pity they have for him are his ‘flying monkeys’. His family & friends may not even realize that they’re his flying monkeys as well. Everyone is a victim to a narcissist. He pretends very well that he cares deeply about everyone, but the truth is that he doesn’t give a shit at the end of the day. He may actually have love for family members since they’re his blood, but his needs comes first.

Everyone will scoff at you because they just cannot accept that what you’re saying is even remotely true. They will avoid you, they will stop interacting with you in person & on social media. They will get caught up in his bogus conversations about you as if your the problem. Those people didn’t see the abuse so of course they don’t believe you. Every ounce of abuse was done strategically out of sight of everyone on purpose, so that after they discard you it makes it easier for them to lie their lies about you.

After you leave a narcissist, you feel as if you need to be heard. That you need to stand up for yourself. That you need to prove you’re NOT the crazy person they’re claiming that you are. That’s the stage I’m in right now. So instead of contacting anyone, I’ll just use what I’ve learned to educate others on this matter.

NO they’ll never change.

I’ve heard countless hours of how awful all of his ex’s were. I mean ALL of them. Every female that ever had feelings for him, was destroyed by him. Her emotional, spiritual, mental, & financial health was destroyed. Not to mention their character, image, & just all around goodness of a person was destroyed with his lying words he speaks about everyone except his own self! He actually says he just keeps picking all the bad ones out. Truth is, is that he’s the bad one & the common denominator of them all. All of us are good women. And only his family & friends think otherwise. No one else believes that garbage. And all of the ex’s excel in their lives now that they’re not with him.

I could scream to the top of my lungs to save the next one, but she’ll never believe me until she’s already too deep into the trauma bond. The charm is thick. The love bombing seems real. The lies about the future, & that he needs a woman that’ll be good for his life & his business are all heard by us all.

I have escaped my narcissist. Doesn’t mean I’m healed completely yet, but I am free! I broke the trauma bond enough that I don’t want to talk to him or see him ever again. I have moved on from my nightmare.

I wake up in the mornings with such peace that it’s breathtaking. There’s no eggshells. There’s no yelling. There’s no beating me down emotionally. There’s no worries anymore of being cheated on. My money is my money. My things & vehicles are not getting destroyed anymore. I smile & laugh now. I do things I want to do, not just what he wanted to do only. I see my family & spend time with them all the time, without the worry of who’s in our bed with him while I’m gone. I go to bed & sleep well now. I no longer lay there for hours wondering why I’m not good enough for him to treat me right. Now I know I’m too good for him, I have a lot to offer a man, & I’ll never allow another man to get close to me until I somewhat fully know them from now on. I will listen when an ex of theirs talks to me, because most of the time that’s the most honest truth about them you’ll receive. Someone that’s been through hell, will reach out or at least pray.

I can stand & say with everything in my being:

  • I was honest
  • I was faithful
  • I actually loved him
  • I gave up everything for him
  • I cared for him
  • I prayed daily for him
  • I wanted the best for him
  • I wanted to help him to help his business thrive
  • I wanted him to be my forever

This is for future females looking for answers. Has he called you sugar momma? Have you supplied his gas? Have you had to buy his food? Have you had to buy for adult kids who refuse to work or clean? Has he told you I must hate his kids because I wanted them to work, & have chores? Have you been told something about a date or to be took somewhere, & he bails? Every time? Have you heard the word sorry? Have you heard endless conversations about how all of his ex’s have just been so cruel to him? How they’ve cheated & lied? How much all of them hates his kids or kids in general? What about how much he’s done for them financially? Is his phone upside down? Is his messenger messages empty, but you hear the dings? Have you any idea of the nearby ‘best friend’ that sleeps with him & never says a word no matter who he’s in a relationship with? Have you noticed that his family are great people, yet he puts everyone of them down behind their backs, & you’re not to say anything? Has he told you to quit your job, & work at his business? What about talks of moving in, & letting your place go? There’s so many more things to write & questions to ask, but I think you get the jest if it.

The only problem was that he never actually had an ounce of love for me. I wasted all of my energy & time on him. He wasn’t going to change for me, he hasn’t changed for anyone else either, & most likely never will for anyone in the future. I was able to piece together the stories (lies) about his other ex’s & compare them to my story with him. It is the exact same scenarios. Same routines, same vacation spots, same problems, same habits, same cheating & lying, same damn everything. Only difference is, is that I was a new victim. There will be a new next victim in time to endure the same hell that the rest of us endured.

Those that uplift, encourage, carry on with his lying conversations about his ex’s, cater to him, act as if he’s done nothing wrong, act as if he’s the victim in his relationships, treat him like he needs babied, etc…….. Those people are only making him worse for the next victim! They should actually be pushing him towards therapy & getting help for his mental illness. They should be ashamed of themselves for turning on the victims when all they’ve heard is lies, all the while pampering his well fit lies. They’re actually destroying him further, & feeding his way of life.

I could go on for days with this, but I’d say anyone who knows enough to feel what I’m saying, knows about it all to well.

The best thing to do even though it feels very difficult is to just leave & stay gone.

It’s perfectly normal to go through the motions of a breakup. Cry, scream, break things, etc. Whatever you gotta do is normal to the hell you endured. Also it’s normal to admit you miss them. But please take note: You miss the person you thought they were during the love bombing stage, that’s not who they really are. Just remind yourself of that every time your mind wonders towards them.

You’re never going to be loved correctly, respected, be the only one they have sex with, be able to trust them, etc. Just leave for your own sake. Just leave. Because someone out there is wanting exactly what you are. You are enough to be the only woman or man in someone’s life. You will be their everything just like you’ve dreamed of. But you have to let go of this vicious cycle you’re stuck in. It has to be broken in order for you to even remotely trust someone else with your heart fully.

No you’re not making a mistake by leaving them. No you’re not leaving too soon. No they’re not in love with you, accept that. Free yourself. Their words sound convincing to everyone, ignore them. Those charming words are good, because they’ve done it so many times that they have it down to a science. The moment you walk away, they can sleep with another because they don’t love you.

They DON’T love you & never did.

Love is happiness, trusting, & a safe place. Love shouldn’t be something that makes you unhappy, treating you like you’re less than. Love is happiness…

I am free.

Love, Lori

Verified by ExactMetrics