I Cannot Wait Until I Find Real Love

If you have read any previous posts or follow me on Facebook, then you know I just had a recent breakup…. Again. With the same man…. Again.

I cannot wrap my mind around why that man did not want me, even though he claimed he did over & over. Why would a man tell you that he loves you while lying to you, & doing things behind your back? On purpose?

Why would a man waste his time being with you, saying he loves you, wanting marriage, wanting to buy a place together, etc? Why would he make all the future promises as if he really loved me just to shit on me? Why? The only thing I can come up with is that he likes ‘playing house’ until it becomes real where he has to play husband, & be honest & faithful. Then moves onto the next one to use. Gets them to fall in love with him, then shits on them too. He’s never truly faithful to anyone he’s with, so I should’ve known better.

Why do trashy, easy, ugly women catch his attention more than I do & cause him to cheat? Well I know why! I may have had my heart stomped on until it burst into a thousand pieces & handed back to me by him 3 weeks ago but I’m far from stupid. Listen.. Those types of women are in fact easy. But here’s what you need to understand, even I know it. They’re not wifey material. They’re not even girlfriend material. Those women are on lower levels than you & I are on. They have no morals, no dignity, no self respect for themselves, no respect for other women. And I’ve noticed that most of them still live with their parents or a family member because they’re either lazy or irresponsible or both. These women interest him & many others because they’re not good enough for a relationship, just a quick, easy meet up then they discard them. They discard them because these types of women don’t give a rats ass if they’re done that way. They look for a man that will get them high & have sex with them, then they move on to the next one that’ll do the same. Around & around in the same ole cycle of women. They do not care if they break up a relationship. They will appear like leaches to you because they never go away. Always in your man’s phone, always seems like they’re something special to him, more than you are.

It is disgusting to me. I’ve literally met some of them face to face, & I wanted to puke. I’m not necessarily stating that I am better than them, but holy shit, at least I’m not strung out & run to whatever man is available for sex.

Now even though every town has these kinds of men & women, it doesn’t mean that your man or woman will cheat.

Here’s another kicker. If your person really loves you, they wouldn’t allow anyone to get into their phone, on their social media, or meet in person with them. People that truly love you will not cheat. Cheating begins with something as simple as deleted text messages. If your person will take the time to talk to someone else behind your back & then delete the conversation instead of removing them from their life, they don’t love you. They may care a little about you because you have some history, but love isn’t capable of cheating.

I don’t care what anyone tries to convince you of. Love Does Not Cheat! No exceptions! There is no last resort. That nonsense excuse they use saying, he or she don’t give me what I need so I went & found it elsewhere is just a lie to make themselves feel better, & to make you feel like it’s all your fault that they had to cheat. Bullshit.

Love doesn’t hurt you. Someone that doesn’t love you hurts you.

This is a small piece of why I am now recently single: I went to the eye doctor with my boyfriend simply because he wanted me to be there with him. So of course I went, like I always have. I’ve always been there for him. Well, while he was in the exam room texting me about his eyes being dilated, he was also texting his second ex wife. There I am feeling bad for him as usual, not knowing whats going on behind my back. We get back home & he wants to nap until his eyes are back to normal, which was fine. But while I was sitting in the waiting room at the eye doctor, my gut feeling was making me want to puke. I thought what in the world. After we got home it kind of went away. Well he handed me his phone because he didn’t want to be woke up by any calls, so I took it with me into another room & laid it down. I sat there & stared at it & I started feeling that sick feeling again, so I picked it up. I didn’t see anything unusual & there was nothing in the trash folder. I was confused as to why I am feeling like this. I clicked on his phone app & glanced through it. Still again I didn’t see anything. Then I noticed a ‘show messages tab’. I clicked on it & there as big, bold, & plain as day was that second ex wife’s number showing me that they had sent a few messages back & forth. They were messaging at the same EXACT time he was messaging me sitting in that exam room when I was suddenly feeling sick at my stomach at the eye doctor!!!! I damn near threw up! He had deleted the message thread, but didn’t delete it from the history. I left it open & immediately slammed the bedroom door open going off on him showing him his phone because this wasn’t the first time I’ve busted him talking to other women behind my back. He had told me days earlier that I was the only woman he wanted & needed. And that he wouldn’t hurt me for nothing in the world but he did… Again! And this is the worst time he’s hurt me. I am done.

His only concern that day was that I shut up yelling for one & for second that he wanted to know how I knew of messages he sent if he had deleted them. Wtf? He actually screamed at me, ‘How does it feel being lied to? ‘. Again…WTFF? He immediately threw that narcissistic twisting junk on me trying to justify his behavior. I didn’t get an I’m sorry I shouldn’t of deleted it. I didn’t get an apology at all still to this day about it. Instead he’s yelling at me, & wanting his phone back in his possession. Saying it wasn’t nothing bad. Um, if it wasn’t anything bad & she wasn’t nothing to him, then WHY did he delete their messages??? Why did he even message back at all?

Just writing that out makes me pissed off.

I do not like it when anyone does me wrong then attempts to twist it all around on me. That my friends is narcissism. He does have quite a few narcissistic traits. I didn’t believe he did until I got to really know him, living with him. I have never in my life dealt with another soul that has had my mind so consumed with confusion, insecurity, & rage. Never! I suppose it will take time to sit down & sort my chaotic angry ass mind out because of him, but I’ll be damned if he or any other man ever does this shit to me again.

Causing me to step outside of myself & become someone I’m not at all is a thing of the past.

This last episode of his craziness, lies, & betrayal has pushed me completely to the point that I don’t want to be with him anymore. I don’t care how hard it is, I will not go back. Feelings will fade. Trauma bond will fade. All of those feelings of insecurities that he caused me to feel about men, myself, & my life will become back under control while I heal. At one point I thought that I was just a stupid, insecure, jealous, crazy bitch like he said. But one day awhile back I googled to see if I was crazy or a narcissist, turns out I’m not either. Imagine that. I self taught myself all about it, & I was able to see him for what he really is. He needs help, but I’ll be damned if I’ll ever be there for him again, & allow him to treat me as a doormat anymore.

After being cussed out & laughed at by those useless women & him, I knew in my heart that with him is not where I belong. I’m better than that. I deserve to be treated well. Out of his choices in women, I’d say I’m one of the women at the top of the list that he’ll regret screwing over. Simply because I’d never cheat & I was always there even when everyone else turned their back on him. I loved him wholeheartedly & it was a complete waste of my time. He doesn’t love me & he never did. He will never be able to give me what I need. He isn’t capable of being completely open, honest, faithful, & to simply be my true best friend.

Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever trust another human being for as long as I live. I don’t know if I’ll ever get into another relationship. Right now I literally have nightmares because of my recent ex boyfriend. I’ve woke up gasping, or crying, or just spaced out for a little while. He never hit me but I wish he did. I’d rather heal from physical abuse rather than emotional & mental abuse. This is real shit.

Real love – Fairy tale – Dreaming… I don’t know what you’d call it but, from my perspective I think when a man loves you it should go something like this:

  • He will definitely let you know his real feelings without acting like a coward
  • He will call, text, come to you
  • He will remove any female from his life that remotely poses a threat. As well as ex’s that are not connected to him through having children together
  • He will change most of his bad habits before you even notice he has them
  • He will want to hold, hug, & kiss you randomly
  • He’s not going to entertain himself with other women hidden in his inbox or any app
  • He will want to make love to you sometimes, not just quickies only to please himself
  • He’s not going to demand that you pay your bills & his, & pay his employees
  • He’s going to be responsible with his money now that he’s with you
  • He will not only talk about future plans with you, he will take actions & put them into play
  • He will not be lying, hiding, sneaking, etc behind your back
  • He will let everyone know by his actions that you are number 1
  • He will without missing a beat hurt other women’s feelings to protect yours because, he’s not willing to lose you for women that are not even close to your level or even on your level
  • He will want to take care of you in every way. Whether it’s financially, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, etc
  • He will not speak to you as if you’re beneath him
  • He will lift you up & show how proud he is of you
  • He will post about you & tag you because he isn’t ashamed or embarrassed or trying to hide you from other women. You are his woman… The only one
  • He will want to make your family his, not have you walking away from yours
  • He will apologize when he’s wrong, & not use narcissistic ways to abuse your mental health

I know what I’ve been through wasn’t love. I was too blind to see it. The list above is just some of the main things I believe a man would do without hesitation. Someone that can’t wait until I get home from work. Loves me & everything about me. And would never want to lose me ever.

These past 5 years have been tough. The last 3 weeks have been eye opening for me. I made myself reread messages & journals. It is sickening at how I fell for his bullshit over & over. It has been the same typical chaos repeatedly. He loves me, then he wants to break up so he can cheat without technically cheating, then wants me back for a little while. It has literally happened countless times with him.

I am done!!!

He will no longer treat me in any way because, I’m not going to allow him to hurt me anymore.

The few good times were overrun by the horrible times. I can’t hardly even remember them. I can’t even picture how good we were with each other in bed because, I can’t get past how ugly he’s been to me with other women & countless lies. I don’t want to remember him anymore. I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t love me anymore. He didn’t deserve ‘any’ of me at all! Luckily I didn’t open up completely sexually with him. The reason being is simple….I couldn’t trust him!

Maybe someday soon I’ll run across someone that does deserve everything I have. Someone something like in the above statements & more. Someone that’ll make me feel special on his own, & not have to beg him to feel that with him.

Until then, I’ll enjoy my solitude. That’s where I’m happiest at for now. Free from being hurt, lied to, used, abandoned, & flat out out being treated like shit by a man that doesn’t have a clue how to love me or anyone else.

Signing off for awhile…

Love, Lori


Now I’ll do what’s best for me! I am no longer anyone’s business. Myself & my life are highly important. I will not tolerate those that ‘choose’ to hurt me on purpose have anything to do with me anymore. You had me in the palm of your hands & lost me! You lose!

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