When you go through so many things that rip you apart emotionally & mentally, you begin to think different. Our reactions are different. Our thoughts become different. Sometimes we seem cold because we won’t let anyone in again.
I view almost everyone like they’re on the stand in a courtroom. I study them trying to figure out if they are being honest with me or not. I have to watch them closely. No it isn’t fair to most people, but when you have been wrecked by so many who are careless with your heart you tend to see everyone as a threat.
My life is important to me even though it may not be to others. My heart is a precious stone that loves & forgives way to much to undeserving people.
I have resorted back to solitude. Solitude is where I feel safe. I do not feel lonely, I feel at home with just myself. This is where I can get my mind right, & get my heart back in working condition. I hate when I get to the point of disappointment that I have to hide away, because it always results due to being wronged by someone I loved dearly.
I am longing for the day when a man can take my hand & guide me along side him on our path of a beautiful foundation we are building together. One where honesty & faithfulness go hand in hand from each other. To feel that I am his only one. That I am the only one in his sight as he is in mine. Maybe it sounds corny but I know it’s real. I know someone feels the very way I do. I’m real so I believe he is too. But I’m in no hurry.
Letting go of the past is difficult. But without letting go I’ll sit in that dark cold place I hate.
From where I am standing at this moment. I am fighting to focus on myself & my future. I am rebuilding myself emotionally, physically & mentally. It is quite exhausting but I cannot give up on myself. As many times as it takes to start over, we must keep starting over until we get it right. It is a constant battle because I have not healed yet. Part of me wants to just lay down & pretend I’m not even here on this earth. But that stubborn little Kentucky girl refuses to lay down & die. Those that are against you & hate you for no reason would love nothing more than to see you fail, to see you give up. They know the potential that you have, & that’s why they are so cruel & devious. They know they could never be half the person that you are. If they have to pull you close by fake loving you in order to destroy you…..they most certainly will. They will throw false accusations about you around to anyone they can. They will attempt to make you look crazy to the world for standing up for yourself. Yes I’ve personally dealt with these types of people. One day they love me, & the next I don’t exist to them. But I will make my life beautiful not in spite of them, but for the love I have for myself. The pain they have inflicted on me, drives me to make my life better.
From where I’m standing…….. A new relationship is nothing I’m looking for at all. I am & I will remain single for awhile. I need time for myself to heal from the situations & people that have drug me through the mud. It’s time for Me. It’s time to reconnect with myself & to begin enjoying all the things I love doing that bring me happiness. No more tears. No more hurt. No more lies. No more deceit. When the timing is right I know I will find that great man, until then it’s all about me.
I am absolutely far from the perfect woman, but I know my worth & I’m a damn good woman. And I feel that I deserve way more respect & loyalty from people than what I’ve received thus far.
Smiling & laughing until my face hurts is desirable. Crying until my eyelids are swollen is a thing of the past. No one will ever have me feeling like that again, like I’m hard to love, because I’m not hard to love at all. And I will love you wholeheartedly, & unconditionally until you break me into a thousand pieces. I can no longer be that person for anyone. True love is both ways, not one sided.
From this point on it’s all about me for a change. I have always put everyone else in my life first. I use to think it made me selfish, but after years of neglecting my own self I see that it’s highly important for me to step up for ‘Me’ for once.
I have made plans, detailed lists, & set priorities in place for myself. I am going to do my best at fulfilling them all.
Do you suffer from being this kind of person as well? Do people generally walk all over you too? I know being around the right people is a good thing, but who’s these right people?
From where I’m standing…….for the first time, I see…Me