December 16, 2019

I Wrote My Momma In Heaven A Letter

To my true best friend:

Dear Mom,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I love you. I miss you more than you or anyone will ever understand in this world. You were not only the greatest mother ever, you were also my best friend. Other women were jealous of our relationship because our bond was so strong. You were the most realest person I’ve ever known & I do my best to be just like you, to be real. I want to crawl up in your lap & cuddle with you. To feel your love wrapped around me. That’s the only place & in the only arms in this world that I felt safe in. I miss you momma.

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Life has been crazier since you left. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. I always come back because I can hear your voice in the wind guiding me every time my path gets crooked. That crooked path has taught me so much though mom. I learned who I really am. I learned how to love myself like you always told me to do. I became even stronger when I was weak. I realized that I’m the winner even though it looks like I’m losing. Life isn’t about stuff or fake people. It’s about love. It’s about being happy where you are no matter your circumstances.

I was thinking the other day when you put me in charge of keeping the stoker full of coal & running. Going outside to fill coal buckets up whether it was 2pm or 2am. Whether it was raining or snowing. I didn’t care for it but I always did what you asked of me. Back then I thought you were just being mean to me but in reality you were teaching me how to take care of myself. And taking care of myself has become a reality. I have to now in every aspect..alone. Thanks for the lesson mom.

I am now a grandmother too. I cry at the thoughts that you wasn’t here when they were born so you could meet your great grandsons. They are precious momma. Your grandsons miss you as well. They have grown into handsome young men. I now know what you felt when my sons were born. Being a granny is awesome!

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I seen a woman with blue eyes & I couldn’t stop staring at her eyes. Her eyes looked just like yours. It was like looking at you momma. I froze with tremendous numbness from head to toe. I wonder if God did that for me so I could see your beautiful eyes again? I did notice by looking in the mirror that I can see you in my face. I smile with blurred eyes because I couldn’t be anymore prouder than looking like my momma.

It’s 2 days before my birthday mom. No one ever takes the time to be there for me on that day. Every year I seem to care less about it. Every year I remember how you always went out of your way to make damn sure I felt special. I miss that. I need that.

You were the most interesting little woman I’ve ever met. I’m thankful God allowed me to be your daughter.

Life hasn’t been the same without you but I know one day we will reunite. That day will be amazing. It will be beautiful, just like you.

All that writing I used to do well, I still do today. I now write in a blog & it has its own website. I have a website momma! Who would’ve thought this Kentucky girl would? I wish you were here to add your poems you used to write from your heart. We could’ve put them in the blog too.

Remember Sampson? Your favorite dog of mine? That huge white boxer that you loved is now standing by your side as I’m sure you know that. He was part of the family, he was like your 3rd grandson. I miss you both.

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Yes mom I miss you. I know I’m writing on the sad side but I miss you. Very few people know this. But. After you left I seen you in this field. A bright sunny day with beautiful tall grass flowing in the wind so gracefully. Mom…you were right in the middle of it. Your long blonde hair was so shiny. I couldn’t see you face but you appeared so healthy & happy. You were healed.

I will never forget you. I will never forget the smell of your perfume. I will always carry you with me in everything I do.

Merry Christmas Momma. I love you always! 

Love your daughter, Lori Mae

RIP Linda Mae Billings  03/31/1956-10/7/2012

 

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