Hello friends & followers!!
First of all I would like to say that I miss writing. I miss the days of walking around with so many mental notes in my head of stuff to write about. I’ll get back to that point. I’m in a healing process so to speak right now. It is a long hurtful story, trust me & I don’t want to give it power by talking about it.
I must say this has been one hell of a year for me. From others I’ve spoke to, it seems to have been a rough year for a lot of people. I think it’s sad that so many of us have had very trying times just in this year alone. Hopefully next year will be a blast. I’m believing for it anyways, I deserve it for a change.
It’s very hard to write right now for many reasons, but one of them is because there are people who are on my heals watching every move I make. It’s annoying because these people are not fans at all, & details aren’t important because they’re not important. I wish I could ban them from my site but then again, they deserve to watch me flourish.
I’ve wrote here & there about changing before & learning through trials. I myself didn’t know what I was truly talking about. This year, these situations, this pain, this betrayal, & so on has definitely changed me. Literally I woke up one morning about a month ago & it was like I went from viewing my life the way it was happening to viewing the raw real truths of my life the way it actually was. There was obviously a hold on me, a blinding fog I just couldn’t see through at all. For a long time I felt smothered. I felt as if I was walking around in someone else’s body because I just didn’t know who I was anymore. I became accustomed to lies. I did things that Lori would’ve never done under her own power but, it was my fault I allowed myself to become someone I wasn’t. Sure its easy to blame others but ultimately we allow ourselves to slip into hell following around the wrong people.
I do feel better. Everyday I feel a little better than the day before.
I have fell in love……….with solitude. It’s amazing! Bit by bit I find more & more pieces of myself. I’m loving the things I used to. Nature is a huge thing with me & I notice birds singing and they sound so beautiful. I love walking outside to hear them, it’s like they’re singing just to me. I smile because I haven’t heard them in awhile even though they never stopped singing, I had stopped listening. I had stopped everything in my life.
I wish I could put into words what I felt & feel, but that’ll never happen.
I can’t express how beautiful solitude is. I don’t know if I’ll ever come out of it because it is soooo peaceful. This is a place in my life that I so desperately have needed. I have closed the door in many peoples faces that threatened my peace of mind lately. They are no longer welcome in my world. This little world is mine & mine alone. This little world I have been creating has become my safe haven. Imagine being able to pull the curtains closed all around you from all the negatives in your life. That’s what I’ve done & I’m finding myself. I have not only realized my worth, now I embrace it. Barely anyone is allowed near me, but no one is allowed to get close to me. I refuse, I think it’s healthy for me to take a much needed break to heal in my own way & on my own time. Whatever is meant for me will be mine. There is no need in searching, chasing, etc for anything. It’s simply time to enjoy life & let be what will be.
I actually find enjoyment by not telling anyone anything about me anymore. It’s like I’m my own best friend & I know I’d never lie to myself or intentionally hurt myself in any way. I just smile now when I use to run & tell everybody every little thing that went on in my life. I stopped writing in my diary because it is so full of sadness that I cannot bear opening it up anymore. Instead I allow what’s healthy for me to enter my mind & heart, the rest I just shake off.
When the time is right & when it’s the right person I know I will open back up. For now I’m just going to enjoy my life for exactly what it is, my life.
My morning cup of coffee is not done in a rush anymore. I sit there & savor every moment with every drop listening to the birds singing. The little things are the most important things.
I had to come to a point in my life of a high level of just ‘fed up’ before I got to the point I’m at today. I don’t know if you can just decide to be in solitude or if life’s messes slam you into it. I will say it is very rewarding though. It isn’t loneliness at all, it feels magical to me. I don’t feel alone. I feel at peace.
To meet someone that understands this peacefulness the way I do, & someone that wants to share life with me would be astounding. Someone that can match me with my same values, would be my magical happy ending.
Having to go through so much hurt & so many trials of life before you come to a place you didn’t know existed is bitter sweet.
My emotional state has become a top priority. Which is why I slammed doors & triple locked them to keep the negatives away from me. I didn’t shut down even though at first that’s what it felt like to me. I quickly realized that my heart knew enough was enough.
I know some of you have attempted over & over again to try talking to me. I apologize for not being able to have a conversation with each of you. I’m healing, I’m trying, I’m getting back to me. I thank each of you for caring.
Hope to write again soon, have a lovely day!