Hazel Eyes

This chapter of my life: Pain from a broken heart.

I’ve experienced many different types of painful situations in my life. This one has me completely bound. What I see through my hazel eyes is nothing but hurdles of pain. I don’t think I’m going to make it…really. I don’t know.

I’m banged up mentally & emotionally.

So numb that I can barely breathe let alone speak to anyone.

Its took me three days to write this. Three very long painful days. And the pain is still throbbing in my chest right now.

I have no idea where to go from here. What to think. What I should feel. What I should do.

I’ve never in my life loved someone as much as I do right now. It makes me crazy. Just the thoughts of not being loved back has made me literally throw up several times. What in the fuck do I do now???

Being alone drives me insane! Sitting here right now writing this alone is really hard. Writing this is just hard.

No one has been around me for three days, I had to isolate myself from everyone as much as possible. What I know deep down in my heart is killing me. It really is. I want someone to just fucking come save me. Hold me until it stops hurting.

Crying in my truck is a different kind of pain. Windows up screaming with pain. I don’t want to feel this ever again.

I cannot comprehend why I give so much & receive so little in return. It makes me not even want to try to love ever again. I mean, what’s the point? To just end up here where I am right now? Broken?

I don’t want to be here, not the physical part, the emotional part. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

I have begged God over & over to take this pain….he hasn’t. I don’t know why. Is there a reason? Something for me to learn? What? Ugh!!!!

I am absolutely nothing special. I am no better than anyone else. I am just as human as anyone else. I want loved too. I want to be wanted. I want to be took care of. I want to feel needed. I want to be the only one for someone. I want someone that’ll let me love them.

Too much to fucking ask??

I’m angry, confused, hurt, sad, depressed, & damn fed up……

I’m fed up with no one wanting a real ass relationship.

So tired of crying myself to sleep. Eating sleeping pills so I can stay asleep. I don’t deserve to be in this state of mind or do I?

Yes I am strong & independent but there is still a very strong need of love. I hate myself for being able to fall in love, I’m such an idiot. Where’s the ability to be a cold hearted bitch at? I misplaced mine somewhere.

My heart pounds. Every pound is full of pain followed by swollen hazel eyes with tears. I can’t keep makeup on.

Sleep, food, & focusing has all become pretty much absent. I’m wondering how many misspelled words there will be in this post or if it’ll even make sense enough to be read.

It’s almost 10 pm so that means its almost time to attempt fighting to get some sleep…again.

Alone=Misery

Lori

P.S. I know this post is short, but it’s all I got.