March 7, 2019

I Will Never Be The Same…

That little girl..

That little girl I used to know that stood in the mirror wearing her mommas fanciest dress, piles of makeup on because she didn’t know how to apply it yet, necklaces & purse’s trying to be stylish like momma was. That little girl wanted to be a teenager so bad. She had no idea of the hell that was coming upon her. So much red lipstick with her puckered lips looking so silly…. That little girl went through her hell for two years straight & she came out alive. She was a trooper.

That teenage girl..

That teenage girl in her more mature mind set couldn’t escape the hell from the little girls life. She hid it well, to a point. Mid teenage years she began to completely go wild. Boys, weed, & alcohol galore. She was running as fast as possible from the nightmares, asleep or awake, she had them. Reaching adulthood she began to calm down. She survived it. She was a trooper.

That young lady..

That young lady was uprooted from the only place she knew as home. She felt like she was tossed to the wolves moving states away from home. She became a mother, a wife for many years. Many ups & downs during those years. She wasn’t perfect nor claimed to be. She did her best raising her children. Her children were born with genetic medical issues which brought her so much pain. That young lady lost her only best friend in the world..her mother. A part of that young lady also died that day & that part never revived. She survived somehow. She was a trooper.

That woman..

That woman stands today & looks back at the little girl, the teenage girl, the young lady, & now herself as a woman. The joys, the pains, the miracles, the heart aches, being on top of the mountain & being in the valley as well. She also stands alone. She fights alone. She survives alone. She’s her own everything. Everything she became for her children & more she is now all of those things for herself & by herself….cab driver, chef, sole bread winner, best friend, doctor, financial advisor, fighter, beautician, psychologist, teacher, preacher, dietitian, mechanic, yard man, plumber, mentor, her own lover of herself, & many more. She stands today not knowing what to expect really. She’s been beaten down so badly by life that she’s not sure she’ll ever laugh again. She’s not sure if she’ll experience love again for her heart is broke by so many things & people. She feels weak but has no choice but to keep fighting. As she looks back at her other three younger stages of life, she misses them because she’s not herself anymore. She searches everyday but now she’s a woman who has to survive this stage as well. She knows she does & she will somehow. There’s no one holding her hand or giving her a push anymore. She’s had to learn how to do it for herself. Sadness is seen in her eyes as she’s told by others. Years of pain & agony will take its toll on anyone. She’s not giving up, she’s too tough. She was forced to be tough. This woman is doing everything in her power to make the next stage of her life great. Every stage has its own beauty regardless of the evils, she carries each one in her heart daily. Each step she takes she knows its for her best. This woman will survive. This woman will remain a trooper.

Only God knows my future. I don’t know where I’m headed or anything. I’m fighting to survive on a daily basis. Being alone has taught me many things about myself. From always being with family up until a few years back, I’ve never been alone. Now I’m completely solo. I’ve taught myself so much because there’s no one to help me…do anything. I also learned just how much I can love someone. I didn’t realize how much love was in my heart, its pretty deep. My heart has always been huge, but I’ve been shown what I’m capable of. I do love myself more than I did, I have to because no one else does.

I’ll never be the same…

Lori

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