No one knew I was doing this for myself. I thought of it months ago & thought why not, let’s see if it does me any good. It did take me a little while to get started though.
At first, came the panic attacks. Non stop crying on other days. Questioning every damn thing. Silence at first is scary as hell. Talking to myself & odd objects out loud. Nightmares galore, I woke up several times sweating & yelling certain people’s names. I would sit in places I normally don’t sit in & observe. I would go outside a lot & listen to the birds singing or listen to the rain. Just walk around in my yard taking in nature & blocking every thought I had out at times, no thoughts or pondering. Some days I couldn’t eat or sleep, & some days I couldn’t stop eating nor stay awake. I found myself doing random things out of boredom & with nothing but my thoughts. I sat & closed my eyes reminiscing my childhood, remembering who I once was & what it felt like when I used to be loved dearly. As time went by I couldn’t stay asleep for some reason so I ended up taking sleeping pills at bedtime. After even more time went by, I noticed I was calmer. My thoughts became clearer & things from way back in my past even began making sense to me for once. The panic attacks stopped & I haven’t had one in a couple of weeks. My heart still pounds with pain but I will verbally remind myself out loud that no ones heart is hurting for me that mines hurting for…so stop it. They don’t even recognize I exist, it’s not worth it. I made myself listen to certain types of music to let out anything I was feeling, as well as refusing to listen to music for days because it has the power to put you in different moods. I did whatever it took to stay to myself & work on myself. I actually enjoy the peacefulness. It’s working for me, not sure if it’ll do others any good or not.
It has been 20 days since I’ve wrote anything at all. It has been a week since I shut down all of my social media except messenger because of my kids. Why you may wonder? Well, it isn’t that easy to say. I may open it all back up after writing this, I don’t know yet though because no one even noticed I was missing. Do you have any idea how that feels?
I’d say in the last six months I’ve learned a lot about myself & this past week has been one hell of a week for me. Kicking & screaming refusing to give in or give up on myself. I’m not sure how to say what I’ve been dealing with. Depression sucks.
Life issues just flat out suck then they ask you to bend over…
To say the least it has made me stronger & wiser, everything I’ve been going through that is. No one knows because there is no one. There’s no one anywhere that cares. There’s no one that cares who I am, where I am, or how my day was. There’s hasn’t been anyone that’s been there for me. The last & only person that I thought might give a damn….does not….at all.
Do you know what it feels like to have no one at all? Do you really know?
Do you know what it feels like to care for & love others that could care less if you’re dead?
Do you know what it feels like to give your everything & receive nothing in return? Even your last dollar? Your last sandwich?
Do you know what it feels like when you drop everything for others just because they asked? And when you need anything, they’re incognito or busy?
I honestly have nothing left in me to give a damn about another single person. Everyone is so fake that I don’t want anything to do with anyone anymore. My energy has been drained for so long by others that I had to hide…I know they’re good people out there, but I’m tired of the ‘front’ then finding out they’re no good nonsense. Not to mention everything else that’s warping my mind, felt like I was losing it completely.
I don’t hate anyone but I won’t have anything to do with anybody anymore. Hate in the heart is unhealthy.
I counted on my hands as I said names of people out loud the other day, & named off all debts & troubles. Everything I called off has put me in the mindset of not wanting to give a damn anymore. The people…taught me something. They taught me that there is an extremely small amount of good people left. They’re not good, they were all quite evil to me. I’m not going into that again. Everything else seems like thieves following me around just waiting to snatch every damn dollar I make. Yes debts are my fault, but they always expect you to give each one a huge amount…..& I’m like bitches I have to eat!?!?!?!
After today’s hell, I realized how alone I am. And actually it’s okay. It’s okay because being alone is better than being hurt & lied about or on, made fun of because of who you are, made out to be something you’re not just because they don’t like you anymore.
I still have care in my heart of course but that care & genuine love is directed towards myself & no one else except family. People will drain the shit out of you like a leach. Those kinds of people have caused me to withdraw from ‘people’.
Over the past I’d say 7 years, my heart has been ripped into pieces. I don’t know if it’ll ever heal back correctly or not. But I will not…..will not ever give another piece of my heart away again to anyone.
I had to do this to myself because I’ve been carrying around so much pain & confusion that it literally made me throw up on occasion.
In this silence that I’ve placed myself in, it has been quite loud actually. The loudness of all truths. Truth about others, myself, situations, future, etc.
Realization is a motherfucker.
Acceptance is a motherfucker.
Silence opened my eyes to everything. I thought about everything & everyone in detail including myself. I realized after today’s hell that I simply care too much & people don’t want it. They simply do not want it. They don’t want it from me. Why?…I have no clue how to answer that. I’ve accepted it though, and I will not give it anymore. I have no desire to be with or around anyone that acts like I’m annoying or a problem. I have no desire anymore for anyone. I don’t feel like I’ve lost anything, but I feel like they may have but they don’t care.
I’ve come to a point that I’m literally….done.
I sat in the warm sun the other day. No music, no phone, just silence. I searched myself thoroughly inside & out. I decided that I’m going to fight for the person that deserves me, and that person …..is me.
On my knees in the floor in my room one night, tears rolling, makeup blackening my eyes, pain in my heart, trembling in my hands….a cry that was so hard came from me. My voice was weak from screaming & crying with pain. I begged God to take the pain from me. Since momma passed away, my heart has been trampled on over & over.
When you have to beg for the pain to be removed, you truly love. When you beg for a way out, you truly know struggles.
So with all the thinking that I was the problem all this time & the bad guy to those I cared about, thinking in silence. I realized I didn’t do anything wrong. I give everyone my undivided attention & I believe it scares them away. I ran into a handful of people that truly didn’t see me for who I really am. I took it as if everyone seen me that way & that’s not the truth. I realized that, in the silence.
During this I sat down & accepted the fact that I need a plan with these debts. So I made one & I’m sticking to it. This shit has got to go.
Troubles are what you allow them to be. They can overrun your life if you allow it.
Today being the day I’m able to speak, able to write, able to see me. I’m sorry for those that used me, & treated me unfairly because they really did lose someone that truly cared.
Moving away is on the agenda. I believe it will be good for me. No one around here even knows I exist so nobody will be missing me or notice that I left for that matter.
My mammaw & momma taught me to love. To love even if it’s rebuked because one day they’ll need that back. And I’ve truly tried to do just that but its been rebuked by several, so I’ll take my love with me I guess.
Shutting social media down & basically hiding from the world taught me a lot about myself. I see my worth & there’s no one in my life that I can think of that deserves what I have to offer. No one.
The ups & downs, the going in circles, in & out, shutting out the world, pacing the floors, not listening nor taking in anyone else’s thoughts, just my racing thoughts, refusing to do nothing but think & observe, & the silence was the most important & fulfilling thing I’ve ever done for myself……. Mental Rehab.
I love myself enough…..
P.s. I will no longer say Love Lori at the end of posts, for I will never beg for love or acceptance ever again. If it is not freely given, I do not want it. That & I think that’s an 80’s thing….showing my age lol.