January 24, 2019

Thieves

It takes away my joy. My focus has become solely on it. I don’t smile much anymore. I’m definitely not myself. Nothing seems funny to me now, I rarely laugh. My thoughts and time have been consumed by it on a daily basis. Every road I attempt has a road block, no hope in sight. I feel doomed. Panic attacks have become as normal as the morning coffee. Anxiety.

You’re creeping up on me faster than I thought. Your signs are beginning to show. Please slow down, I haven’t took care of the anxiety to yet enjoy my life. I don’t feel so attractive and that hurts. Age.

You are stupid. Who cares what/who you want, it/they don’t want you back so stop it already. Stop caring so much for those that don’t even think of you….at….all. No one shows you any sort of love so stop wasting my damn time hurting me. Heart.

It causes me to leave work or just not show up. It causes me to not care at times. It keeps me unable to crawl out of bed, I just want to lay there all day. Uncontrollable tears making my eyes swell. I hate you for smothering me like this. You alienate me from everything. Depression.

She wants freedom. She wants love. She wants relaxation. She wants someone to actually prove that they care, that they notice she’s alive. She wants someone to be there for her in the same ways she tries to be there for others, they’re so selfish to her. She wants someone to confide in and trust. She needs someone to never leave her. Me….

The need of it has become an extreme necessity. Without it we won’t survive. It is implanted in our brain that that’s the only happiness there is. It can destroy everyone and everything. We kill ourselves on a daily basis for such small amounts that it will never get us anywhere ahead anytime soon. Money.

You use me without lube. You toss me around like a rag doll. You think its okay to throw everything on me at once all the damn time. Your messed up ways keep me from enjoying life. All I do is shake my head and just go ahead and bend over for you. You’re not fair to most. Life.

They’re all thieves of our lives, some have others to add I’m sure. I don’t know about y’all but I want to disappear and hide even from myself. It’s too much, just way too much on me. It’s definitely taking its toll on me and none of it or no one cares. It seems even worse now because no one is there for me. No one asks how my day was. It’s like I don’t even exist unless someone needs something from me but they never return the favor. No one is willing to just hold me or grab my hand and help pull me through this. Nobody gives a shit like I do which causes me to return the favor now. People would rather sit and watch you suffer knowing they can help you but they’re too cold hearted and selfish as hell to even think about it. I hate the world today, I really do. There’s so much evil and so many cruel hearted selfish people it makes me sick. I want to be 10 years old again and be back home where love was felt and shown. How awesome it would be to feel that kind of love now, I need it.

The only thing I have is my mother’s spirit pushing me and a tad bit of that big faith that I used to have still lingering around in me somewhere.

Somehow I’ll survive.

Someday someone will care about me.

Someway I’ll enjoy life.

One day………..

Love, Lori

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