November 22, 2018

The Madness Of My Blog

Good ‘Thanksgiving’ morning! I’m so excited because I get to cook a ton of food today. A couple of months ago I thought I may go under again financially, but I worked my butt off, praying & believing along the way.

It seems my life has a lot of madness in it. There’s so many ups & downs in all areas of my life. And because I have a personal blog, well a lot of it is jotted down here. Being angry, confused, upset while writing probably makes it a little difficult to understand at times. I apologize.

Some of the situations in my life could not be handle by the weak people that have caused drama in my life. Being in my shoes for one day would end them.

I’m not 100%, but I’m doing so much better than I was… mentally & emotionally that is.

Financial ordeals will stress anyone out to the max as you see here & there in posts. My sons health being in jeopardy at the beginning of this year damn near killed me. Any true momma will always look at her sons like they’re still little boys, even though mine are 5’9 & 6’7 in height. My youngest is 6’7 & he was the one that had the brain stem stroke in March of this year followed by a high risk brain stem surgery to save his life. It almost took his life. He is sooooo much better today & I’m very thankful prayers were answered! My boy had to learn to talk, eat, swallow, walk, drive, etc all over again. It was heartbreaking to watch, but he has succeeded in being back to normal now. My oldest son, at 15, we realized he was having seizures. They were very silent seizures, absent seizures. He had just received his learners permit to drive & had been driving me around town here & there. He also had brain surgery when he was 4 years old to remove an avm from his brain (it was so heartbreaking to sit there & not be able to do nothing for my tiny little child), which is the same things on my youngest son’s brain…it was hereditary. My oldest ended up having more come up on his brain which keeps him on seizure meds for life. He hasn’t drove since….he’s now 23. He actually had a seizure where he had face planted into a wall scaring everyone to no end….that happened right before my youngest had the stroke. The world stops, matters are no longer matters when your children are sick or are in bad shape. I cannot express how grateful I am to God that they are just fine. They’re my babies! I’m only 5’7 & I wanted to hold both of my grown up sons in my lap, in my arms.

This time last year I was going through a very rough ordeal. If you read posts from last year around this time, you’ll see. When my momma passed away, something happened to me, I changed. Ever since then I’ve never been the same & I only got worse. I believe her passing started the depression. But last year depression was extremely triggered as I was attempting to live my life alone for the first time in my life, I got divorced. Every day was a struggle, a fight that wouldn’t quit.

So many bad things, just one after another. But the one that slammed me into depression was a heartbreak. A devastating heartbreak. I was alone for the first time in my life for the holidays. I couldn’t get out of bed, I didn’t eat or sleep. I quit my job because I didn’t want to live anyways so I thought what was the point. I lost my house, most of my stuff, & I lost myself. I guess you never really get over something like that huh? How can a person be so cruel to another person? I’ll never understand because I don’t have it in me to be so cold hearted.

So in December of 2017 was the horrible heartbreak. Also in December, my daughter n law flipped her car, she was pregnant, they induced her to have her baby early…both were fine. It was precaution but it was scary. The same time my grandbaby was being born, I was being evicted. In February 2018, my oldest had that seizure that terrified us all. Then in March 2018, my youngest son had his stroke. Everyone is okay & doing great. In August 2018, I took on the worst job of my life, literally. I’d rather actually bust my ass at a real job for people who respect me & treat me right. But yeah I’m doing just fine now, making good money on my own (no man’s money), slowly getting everything paid off. Feels great! I’ve learned to take care of me because I cannot trust anyone’s word anymore.

I never had time to heal from one traumatic event to the next. I’m still in the healing process with all of it, trying my best to understand it all. It all hurts so bad.

So right now I’m not sure what I’m feeling, I’m sort of numb. The end of last year is replaying in my mind & it’s like a horror movie actually. I’ve kept to myself, I don’t date, only ‘safe’ fun on occasion & that’s like a once a month thing if that. I’m just not really interested anymore. I’ve been so focused on bettering my life, I just don’t have time for the nonsense.

And my blog is my future. I love it & it’s all I want to do along with the youtube channel as well. I’ll get there, everything is already progressing better than I thought.

With what was written down today is an explanation to a lot of my posts. The hurt, betrayal, anger, fear, being harassed, depression, etc.

I thank you for those of you that reach out to help me as I attempt to help back.

I hope everyone one of you has an awesome Thanksgiving!!!

Love, Lori

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