October 18, 2018

Sunrise

I’m sitting here this morning on my back porch. It’s kinda cold in Georgia. I’m sitting out here smoking with a little heater because I don’t smoke inside.

I’m just watching the sun come up through the trees, it quite beautiful & peaceful.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking & soul searching. For one, I’m exhausted in every way, but I will not stop or give up on myself.

I’ve given so much of myself, my heart, my care away to very undeserving people. At first I thought, I want it back. But then I thought, nah let them keep it because one day when they think of me, or need me, or want to walk back into my life….. They cannot. All they’ll have is their thoughts of me, not me. I’ve allowed myself to be damaged so badly by trying so hard to care or love. I will never allow myself to be tormented & used like a rag doll again. People would literally have to go out of their way to even see me in person again. I’m not a piece of shit or a dog to have been treated like I have. If anyone wants me back in their life, they’ll have to fucking prove it before I’ll even acknowledge them. When they realize I was the better friend or option….it’s already too late.

Closing my eyes with the sun on my face. Thoughts racing through my mind of everyone & everything. I still cannot comprehend why I’m alone. Why am I alone? Why is it that someone like myself who doesn’t do drugs, don’t drink, doesn’t sleep around, refuses to live off government funds, doesn’t steal, doesn’t cheat on a man, works her ass off & doesn’t just take people for their money, etc…???? How come? I question that everyday. Even showing some in person & they still treat me like dirt & walk away. Whatever.

All of the hard work & studying that I’ve been putting in online seems to be doing great. I’m hoping that it’ll be sooner than I think of it all taking off good for me. I’m so ready, so so ready to travel. Everything I’m doing now will pay off, I know it. I’m going to buy myself an rv van out of faith because I just know. I don’t need anything huge to travel in but I don’t want to do it in a car or truck, & I don’t want to sleep in hotels so one of those vans would be perfect for just me.

Just wait for it…….One day soon I’ll be doing posts with pictures of traveling days!

I’m not trying to find a man nor will I wait on one to grow up. I don’t need one tying me down & keeping me from my dream. I will keep my home because I have kids & grand kids to come home to in between travels. And I’m going to get me another boxer bulldog to travel with me. A dog is my best companion, they love me unconditionally unlike fake friends & men.

I’m all in my feelings this morning. I wanna yell but I’m just sitting here all calm like. I don’t cry anymore, I don’t waste tears on cold hearted people anymore. I’m not sure I can cry to be honest, I’ve cried so much. They ain’t worth my time. I’m sure I think of the ones I care about or love way more than they think of me, it’s quite difficult to turn off feelings. They probably don’t even give me a thought to be honest.

I can’t wait til I’m watching the sun come up over a mountain top out in the middle of a beautiful place I’m visiting. But for now, I’ll settle for closing my eyes with the sun coming up behind my house, & on my face.

Well its a new day, so make it a good day by trying again at whatever you’re wanting to accomplish in your life.

Watch more sunrises & sunsets….

Love, Lori

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