I speak with God like I do with anyone else. Those walks I do is when I talk to him. I talk out loud as if another human being was walking beside me. I’m not ashamed.
I do admit it has been difficult to walk or do anything the last few months. Its been rough on me. Yes I’m remaining strong, but I have moments where my heart hurts so bad it just overwhelms me. Pain like I’ve never felt before in my life. Fears that engulf me.
God knows & sees all. I don’t try to hide anything because well…you can’t. I told him ‘like a friend’, God you know my heart, you know what it holds dear. God also, you know what I desire so badly for my future, for my family. God, I’m tired of being a failure. I’m tired of being chosen last. I’m tired of being done wrong. It’s not fair that I receive what I do. I’m tired of being attacked by evilness with all these false rumors about me. That’s not me.
As I’m walking & talking & crying, my knees go weak, my stomach churns. I barely can keep my composure until I make it back to my driveway where I almost collapsed. I separated what I feel with what I know, & I have this knowingly feeling from my prayers that I myself need to be still, to calm my racing mind….. I don’t know details, but my gut feeling never lies. This is what I feel was laid across my heart: In due season, everything & everyone that I love & desire will be released from the hands of my enemies, who or where they are, I do not know? I’ve endured serious painful tests that are preparing me for the best times of my life… my rewards. Rewards for standing tall for others when I was weak, walking through so many dark times, battling so much pain within, walking alone. Other people needed me broken in order for themselves to find healing, & God knew I was tough enough to withstand it all & do what needed to be done for him. Why do I have such a heartache of my own & for others? Why do I have such battles? Why me? I’d say its teaching me & a few others a few things.
I know I’m far from perfect, I cuss & pitch a fit. I’m stubborn as a mule. I’m wild & wanna have fun. I write dirty little stories for viewers. But that’s who I am. I have all my little quirks, the things I like to do or collect (coffee cups & stuffed animals), & decorate like a wild woman at Christmas. That’s me. But….I have a huge heart & I do love & know who God is, how can I not? He’s held me up where no one else has…ever. He holds me every night while I cry myself to sleep, he knows exactly why.
And he knows……… He knows who treats me badly & unfairly. I almost feel sorry for anyone who’s against me or wronged me. He’s protected me all of my life, even back when I was raped & sodomized at 6 years old by an evil man for two years. That man died a horrible gruesome death, he was removed from life. Death wasn’t what I prayed for, but for him to stop hurting me. And many, many other situations throughout my life. I don’t need a gun or have to know how to fight. I know how to pray. At ages 6-8, I learned how to pray. That man would take me, my little brother, & our mom to a church once a week, then have his way with me almost everyday, unmentionable things. I was a tiny little girl.
Its easy to look at my life & assume God just hates me, but that’s not the case at all. He needs me, he knows he can trust me to reach out to others, & has lead me through different dark times so that I’m able to understand & fully sympathize with others.
As for some, what I endure isn’t karma like they want to think, it’s lessons/teachings to help others.
Bet ya didn’t think any of this about me at all huh? Lol. It’s ok, most people don’t know the real me because they simply don’t take the time to get to know me, or give me a chance to show them love.
I do feel very strongly about what I feel. Very soon I will receive what I’ve sincerely prayed about so hard, & I still continue to pray about it all everyday. Never stop believing, hope.
Don’t lose hope.
Cry, hurt, throw things, take a couple of days for yourself then dust yourself off & proceed.
Keep going because one day just like I’m about to soon, you will be where you want to be & be with who is meant to be in your life. Never speak negative, keep it positive everyday.
Love you, Lori