October 2, 2018

Lori

Strange huh? To title it my name?

The reason is well because I’m afraid. There I said it….I’m afraid. Afraid of everything. Afraid this is how the rest of my life is going to be. Ms. Tough Bitch needs someone too. And she needs a financial break, nothing but pure hell.

Do you know what it feels like to have no one? No parents, no grandparents, incognito sibling, no close by friend to run to at any given time, no man.

I do……

I have so much to fucking say & no one wants to hear it. Not even about my day. It hurts. Oh how’d I’d love to just let it all out for once!

I shower, dress up in my blue jeans & t-shirt, fix my hair, put on some make up everyday. Everyday I wait & look forward to finally being loved. Idk who or where he is, but I’m right fucking here….

Why would God allow me to be able to love so deeply but never receive it back?

Pouring rain, mud up past my ankles, no coat, no shoes…..a miserable crawl just to hold someone’s hand to make their day a little brighter, wiping the mud off of my face to present a smile. I’ve never received that same intense care or love back.

Why can’t people see me?

Why do men look around me to glare at others? Am I invisible? Am I not enough? Too many talents? Too tom boyish who could whip you up a supper like her mammaw? Too sex crazed? Is it because I prefer pickup trucks? I smoke? Wtf is it???

If I became a prissy city chick with more plastic in my body than a recycling center, would they notice? Sorry I’ll keep my smaller real ones thank you.

Very few have ever been next to me, sexed me.

Omg at how I want to unleash myself. Damn. Some man would lose his fucking mind if he gave me the chance, a true chance. Not just sex. In everything. I’m going to explode (no not that).

If a partner is a no chemistry deal, they never see the real me, a dead fuck is what I give. But even the ones that have seen a tad, still don’t have a damn clue. Only I do. Maybe that’s it, I scare them with what I love…… Ya know, you’ve read the stories I’ve wrote, bondage.

Most women have shit about them that they cannot do, some can’t boil water…….I’m still thinking about what it is that I can’t……. Oh one thing, not that I cant, but I need to feel _____ in order to be a dominatrix. I’ve never drove a motorcycle or caught a huge fish, even though I’ve tried.

Why do so many people just simply take a shit right on my life?

What did I ever do?

Will I have to continue walking alone with all of this burning inside of me all of my life?

I fucking have needs too…

Lori is very much a human being, breathing, living & shit….helloooo.

I just want to run away, but I have no idea really what that means. I say it all the time. I can’t run from myself, duh.

Yesterday this happens to me:

I stood in front of the mirror. I stared at my eyes. I saw the little girl I once was just begging for her mothers guidance & love, there, in a woman’s body. My mother is resting in heaven, the only other human being that had a heart as big as mine. I need her. I need……..someone, something.

Must every evil person or bad situation have to visit me first? Leave me alone! I need a fucking break. Where’s the good?

Whatever, I’m tired just tired of I guess everything. I just wanna be held & told its gonna be alright. Please hold me.

Leaves blown off a good, sweet path as I walk by so I can see what it’s like for a change.

Tired of being alone. It’s smothering the hell out of me.

Wasting away giving my love to these damn pillows I snuggle to all night.

Purple Goddess is signing off

P.S. That name has never left my lips before, take a gander at other posts & you’ll figure it out. I’ve mentioned it a couple of times. I will be, of my very own some day……

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