August 26, 2018

Stand

I’m seriously taking in being single well and I’m loving it. It is so freeing that I can hardly contain myself.

This morning I woke up and had the thought for a split second, if I had a man to do the yard work, to burn all the junk I’ve got piled up in the yard from doing yard work, to fix that damn toilet, to build me some shelves, etc…..I could lay here and do nothing lol. Then I laughed out loud shaking my head in a Hell No fashion, and got myself dressed.

I took off walking and jogging first thinking about that junk. Why would I allow anyone to get close to me again? To be treated like shit? To fear coming home to whatever hell he’s decided to start? To wonder if he’s faithful? Laughing again…..Well I’m in no hurry for none of that! Nope!

It’s so strange to sit and think that less than a year ago I wanted to die (8mths ago). In just that 8 months I had my heart ripped out of my chest, lost everything and evicted, almost lost my baby boy at the age of 19 to the worst stroke ever……my heart almost stopped!!! I didn’t care. I was so messed up that my kids wasn’t first (my sons stroke changed that). I was in a state of mind that scared the hell out of me and I couldn’t seem to break free. I couldn’t breath. There’s no way I can put it into words because it’s too deep, an extremely evil dark place. And I know now that the ones that helped push me into that place, don’t give a rats ass about me.

But I came to the realization that these people are worthless. Everyday I slowly found a way to survive that day, and I kept going. I cried a lot, I screamed often out of pain from deep down. They build themselves up as if they’re better than you and that they’re an awesome person. I found out that each one of them was scum, nasty disgusting scum, the stuff you clean off a port a potty. And I wanted to kill myself for them???? It’s nothing other than a perfect case of bullying except I chose to live.

I don’t hate their soul, but I sure as hell won’t have nothing to do with them. I don’t need that junk in my life.

With all that slowly fading off in the distance…… I’ve been focusing on working for myself in the near future, my blog and such. I want to travel so bad. I’m studying and researching. I want traveling as a major hobby kind of thing, like very serious with it. I’ve always wanted to even when I was very young. I’m not getting any younger and I think now would be the perfect time in my life to do so. I get lost in thought just thinking of it. I mean to get up and start packing things, loading them into an rv van (which is what I want to travel in). Having plans and brochures laid out for my next adventure, as well as my computer for my blogging (my job), to do along the way. Omg at how good it feels to just write it down, I’m gonna pee my pants out of excitement when I get to do that first trip! Lol! Annnnd with that being what I want, can you imagine how difficult a man would make it? I don’t need one.

Everything I’ve went through in my life from the horror when I was 6 up to today, I always thought I was being handed karma. If I was the horrible person I’m made out to be it would make sense, but I’m not. I’ve never been on drugs, never an alcoholic, never really a whore, never a thief, never lived off the government, never abandoned my kids, never ask for nothing-not even the things I need, and so on. If I was all that then I would accept everything as karma, but I’m not. I think that God has guided my path to make me strong, not throwing karma at me. Others judgements against me is well, their problem. They all accuse me of such things because they can’t stand me, they can’t find nothing wrong with me.

I deal with my struggles and bust my ass at whatever job I have….to take care of my own self because I don’t want anyone else to do it. I’ve been walked on, stabbed in the back, cheated on repeatedly, used, lied to and lied on, blah blah blah. But I remain strong through each and every issue because I know who I am, and I know I’m innocent as hell. That’s the biggest reason I like keeping to myself anymore. I let too many of the wrong people walk into my life and destroy it and me!

As said before, I don’t write this down for popularity or attention. This for is for You, whoever You are that needs to understand that you’re valuable and precious as well. Stand strong for yourself, even if it is just you standing…..just like me.

Have a beautiful day! Take that little step just for You.

Love, Lori

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