Wow, I just have to share some things, and thoughts, and of course…..feelings.
It is a very strange feeling for me. It’s kinda bitter sweet. All of my life I’ve always been around people. I’ve never truly been alone until my break up with ex boyfriend in Dec ’17. It’s partly my fault because I’m so afraid of being hurt again that I won’t have much to do with anybody. And those I have attempted to mess with proved me right, used me and my time. No one and I repeat No one comes around. No guys, no friends, no family. The sweet part….is that no one is around to hurt me anymore.
2. Being Used
I know we all get used at times here and there in different areas throughout our lives. I feel used by everyone. I could possibly be over thinking, but on the other hand my gut feeling has never failed me. Everything I’ve ever had a bad gut feeling about has played out to a T as to what I was feeling. I thought I had made a real friend again only to realize that it was a fake approach to get what was wanted from me, it was ‘got’, then quits me. If I’m throwing money around, family comes around. If I’m allowing to be used (worked to death) at work, then they love me.
Okay so this one is, well…..confusing. I have so much confusion rolling around in my head its making me crazy. Why don’t anyone want anything truly to do with me? What have I done? What do I do that’s so bad? These questions pop in my head everyday. First: I think why would anyone want me? I’m older now. I’m not that attractive. All I do is work and sleep. All my money is used on bills, so I don’t go anywhere. Second: Knowing my heart and thinking clearer….. I ask myself: Why wouldn’t anyone want to be around me? I’d move mountains for anyone (men, friends, family) that I felt was genuine to me. If I wasn’t feeling ‘used’…a guy wouldn’t want me to stop coming around, but I won’t open up in that sexual sense for just anybody, hell I won’t open up in any area. Actually I haven’t since the last relationship which turned out to be a joke. So I haven’t been myself in any area because I just can’t find people I can trust. I get attached to people and I want to call them my friends, but I’m afraid because of my past friends…..who used me badly.
4. Life, love, future…
I sit, eat, sleep, work, pay bills, do yard work, etc here alone. Is this it? Is this all my life is going to be til I die? I have a nice place now that I rarely get to enjoy due to working all day everyday. Really? I’ve yet to find a job that pays well enough to actually pay my bills, all of them. Hell you have to have two or more jobs just to barely make it. Am I always going to be alone? Am I only going to be near a man when I run into one that just wants sex from me? And for some reason I only find men that have other women on the side at the drop of a hat when they want them. They’re always on the look out for their next fuck. No one is faithful that I’ve met. I tend to put people on a pedestal, then I find out they’re no good. Sucks for me though. So I was thinking about cutting my hair and dying it. Also considered really focusing on getting into shape. Paying a shit ton to fix my teeth. BUT then I thought why??? Why worry about appearance when no one wants anything to do with me anyway? Right?!? Yeah I’m pouting I guess, but its kind of reality as well ya know. Future?…. I want to simply be happy for the rest of my life.
With everything I write on here or say in person to some. They would be shocked at how much they really don’t know me at all… It takes trust for me to be able to be myself around anyone. I suppose on that note….that’s why I sit and wonder why I’m alone…. it’s because I don’t trust anyone enough for them to know me, they don’t know who and what they’re missing out on. Hmm, well, just taught myself something there writing that.
I’m just gonna leave that alone and ponder on it for a bit.
Have a beautiful day!