I sit here tonight on my front porch, thinking like crazy. Thinking about everything & everyone including myself.
I haven’t got much of anything done today other than fixing up my dogs stuff. I put a tarp roof on the kennel for the 3 that’s in there (mom, dad, & their pup) & repaired a dog house for my dog that’s on a runner. They all seem happy with me now lol. Couldn’t mow because its rained off & on all day so that’ll be hell come this weekend…ugh.
I did get my water turned on this morning finally. As soon as the water heated up…..I was in the shower haha. I didn’t need one but taking a shower at home was so relaxing. I ain’t been worth a shit since lol.
But anyway, I can’t help but think, is this it? Is this how my life will be now? Alone, boring, etc. I mean I want someone in my life but I’ll be damned if it’ll be just anyone to simply just be here with me. I want someone that wants to be here, wants to be in my life, wants only ME, loves my little family & me. I just don’t think he’s out there y’all, I believe he done got hit by a bus or something lol. No Shit!
Now I have gave thought to the possibility that maybe it’s me??? Maybe I’m the problem? Maybe I’m doing something or not doing something that men just feel the need to use me & cheat then leave??? I can see that I’m not the normal boring ass chic that most women are. I know I’m different, pushy, bitchy at times, & I demand truths. I don’t sit in the house all day afraid to sweat. I’m never in a beauty shop or hair salon….yuck. I don’t dress lady like or real classy haha, I like my shorts short & won’t take nothing over my jeans. I hate dresses & dress shoes. Skirts-eh….mayyyybe. I love pickup trucks way too much & my truck has an expensive stereo system in it so I can bump & thump haha. I love dogs-I want one of every breed, & chickens, & goats, & a horse, etc. I hate going out to eat, hell I hate going out period. I’d rather cook/grill out at home. I have a crazy high fascination with…well, sex. If you’ve read through my blog, you already know that. I want a purple room designed & built similar to the famous red room from 50 shades, I just don’t wanna die while participating haha! I like yard work & building shit. I love setting shit on fire! Garbage, branches, neighbors garbage-hell I don’t care lol….bon fire! Woohoo!
But at the end of the day, when I crawl into my big lonely bed alone is when I feel the loneliest. I want someone there beside me so damn bad. Someone to talk about there day to me, their dreams & goals. To make me feel so pretty my head swells like hell. And to show me love not just tell me, all night long. Someone who would never allow me to fall asleep feeling like I’m not worth it to him. I don’t think I’m gonna find it.
My sons are grown & I don’t feel needed as much, kinda sucks.
I thought about learning some new trades but what? I’m so fucking bored. I work all the time to keep from going stir crazy, that & I want to live a normal life. Ya know in a house not in my truck lol. I’m there now tho, I’m still missing this n that but I have a home. When the water came on today…I literally cried, dropped my head & cried because I was so relieved. But then I thought what the hell do I do now? What do I work towards now? The only things I could come up with is that I need a washer & dryer, & a stove…oh & internet lol. But after I get everything then what? Why do I feel like that? Y’all I think its because I’m losing it, seriously. Why do I feel the need to always be working towards something?….. To fill that emptiness possibly?
I’ve always been in a relationship so I’m lost as hell! I guess I don’t neeeed a man, I just want one lol. Momma taught me to depend upon myself always because most men suck haha, little did I know then that she was right! I know they’re good men, I just can’t find one for me.
Okay well, I’m gonna attempt to go to bed early, I gotta hit the laundry mat in the morning before work grrrr.
Have a great night people!