July 16, 2018

I Don’t Want The World To See Me

Inspired by music groups like the Goo Goo Dolls & others. (I have no rights to any lyrics, simply sharing & expressing what they mean to me, like the title of this post).

They’re a lot of moments I just want to be hidden.

Too much pain, trauma, drama, etc.

No one understands me at all. Where is the man that’s supposed to take care of me?? Surely I’m not meant to live the rest of my life alone?!

I simply don’t fit in. People don’t know how to take me really.

I don’t think or dream or love or view anything like most do. And I assume that’s why I can’t find anyone like me.

I know I’ve wrote a lot of stuff throughout my blog about my history. I sit here tonight alone as usual. The lack of money that suddenly happened has me flipping my shit. I tried changing up with jobs & I think I made a mistake…..as damn usual. I try so damn hard to better myself but I keep back peddling with dumb shit that keeps happening.

I was sitting here in my recliner in the living room listening to music. I was listening to the Goo Goo Dolls song ‘Iris’ & everything in my life just whirled around in my head like a carousel. I completely lost it. I haven’t cried that hard in months. ‘I don’t think that they’d understand’…..that line is true, I don’t think anyone understands.

Grew up poor as shit in Kentucky. Never had a daddy. Was raped & molested daily from ages 6-8 years old from a step dad. Ages 13-17, I lived 2 separate lives-one for friends & family, one to escape the pain-I stayed high or drunk, partied, slept with whoever whenever. Lost my grandmother after my first son was born, mourned for years. First born son had brain surgery in ’99 at 4yrs old to remove an avm….I couldn’t feel real, everything seemed abnormal like everything stood still, it affected his memory a little & his thinking. Lost my mother in 2012…something in my mind happened, a part of me died with her, I still mourn to this day, I want my momma. Ended a 22yr marriage in 2016. Lost my mother n law who was my second momma, my go-to person, doesn’t feel real. Older son had random seizures at anytime, very terrifying even after his surgery at 4 being told the avms wouldn’t come back & he’d be fine, they came back. Fell in love with a demon….a demon, wasted a year & a half of my life with him, he used me, lied, cheated, mentally fucked me up, devastatingly destroyed my heart, never loved me back…..and he just walked away, slipped into serious depression, quit my job, lost friends, lost all my stuff & my house, not to mention I lost myself. My youngest son at 19 yrs old had the worst stroke ever, an avm just like his brother has, had bled in his brain stem causing a major stroke, he couldn’t walk, talk, eat, swallow, hear, or see hardly. His surgery was a high risk surgery, meaning it could’ve went either way. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t function, I screamed every time I was driving alone with so much pain & anger in me. The entire time my son was in the hospitals my every step only happened because my heart pounded for my son forcing me to not collapse. He needed me, I’m momma. I thank God that he saved both of my sons from the trouble of these avms. Have lived a few times without power, water, or even a home. My fault?…probably so but I needed help, help that never came. Now I’m older, skinny from stress, f’d up teeth, out of shape, broke, confused, etc. And no man really wants me, nobody wants someone who is so broken inside.

So here I stand not knowing where my life is going. Not knowing how I’m going to make it. No education or experience enough to have a good job, I let all those years just pass me by.

I never did drugs, only weed. So nothing is the result of being brain fried by drugs, its me….just me trying to make sense as to why I deserved so much hell all of my life?!?!?!?

People see me & I smile & laugh but they don’t really see me for who I am though, only what I allow.

Yes I’m having a bad night. Mostly because I’ve been blinking back tears & trying to ignore the pain, it caught up with me.

Simple things just tickle me to death like watching birds or the wind blowing through the pine trees across the road from my house, popping & cracking. I learned to notice those things because I wanted to break free from depression.

I want someone to care. I wanna be held dammit. I want someone to go out of their way like I know I would. I’ve gave my last few dollars to people knowing I had no food at home. I worry & care about people that I shouldn’t but I can’t be like that. I shared my little $1 suppers from the dollar store so my dog could eat too.

If you feel like you’re alone dealing with your own problems & demons…..I assure you that you’re not. I’m right here with you, maybe not physically but I am. I let my audience know things about me so that those that are dealing with issues know that they’re not alone out there. Not to feel sorry for me though. Even with everything, I still believe that one day those correct doors will open for me just like they will for each one of you.

Have a wonderful night okay….

Love, Lori

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