July 14, 2018

Morning It Is

Well it’s the weekend, don’t mean much to me since I always work. This is not a story yet lol, just felt like saying a few words this morning.

Have you ever noticed that ever once in awhile you realize you survived something you thought you never would? Situations, relationships, jobs, etc?

I know that every single one of us has went through some shit, some more than others. Ever since my momma died, my life began changing. I’ve made some stupid choices & done some stupid shit. Not to mention that both of my sons health went down hill there for a little while…..I wasn’t sure I’d survive to be honest, (and they’re doing great by the way!!). All the while I was completely falling apart over my sons, I was also fighting one hell of a heart ache and depression. I’m not at all bragging to try and look good or make it sound like my problems are worse. I’m saying that in the past couple of days I have literally took a look at myself and all the problems & situations……I did in fact survive. Even looking back I still don’t know how I survived it all but I did.

And during all of it, I also dealt with very negative people that I already removed from my life. Constantly putting me down, calling me names, making me out to be some worthless piece of shit. I stood as tall as I could, I cried as much of it out as I could, I prayed and rebuked as much as I could, I put a smile on my face most days even though I didn’t feel like it.

It’s not easy being a single woman, at least not for me because the right doors just will not open for me. I work my ass off almost everyday but it seems like I keep going backwards. I’m still sitting here without water simply because I can’t make enough past the regular bills I pay. It makes me feel like an idiot or a failure because I now have a home but cannot fully embrace having a home if you know what I mean. I visit a water hole in another county to fill up water jugs and I’m sick of it. But I keep going, I keep saving that change and throwing a few dollar bills in the pot to get my water turned on. Someday.

I hope I’m heading toward some good paths, I’ve had enough of the bad ones for sure.

Sometimes when I’m driving (because that’s where I think the most or the best lol), I say I want a good man that will take care of me & actually love me buuuttt then I’m kinda enjoying being single because I don’t have all that shit to deal with ya know? Hell I’m afraid of even friendships anymore, I’m pretty skeptical about almost anyone anymore. I keep to myself & there’s never anyone visiting me at my home either. It does get lonely at times & I just wanna go out by the road & beg someone to come sit on the porch with me sometimes hahaha! But I don’t beg so if no one has nothing to do with me then I’ll be alone.

I don’t even know what I want really for the future, I’m basically surviving at this point. I go to work then back home for bed, over & over. I don’t get to see my kids much because of it & that sucks ass. Sometimes my car runs & other days it won’t start without a fight. If I don’t have a ride I’m screwed so I’m always worrying about that.

I basically needed to vent this morning I guess lol. There’s so much going on that I can’t mention plus the stuff I do tell you & I’m just like uggghhhhh lol. I don’t have anyone to confide in or trust completely. Ex’s & ex friends stole that ability from me…trusting. It’s not fair to new people I meet because they may be nothing like what I’ve dealt with but I’m sitting here like, well…I just don’t know, I don’t really know them.

I’m just tired in so many ways, I want a break, a breath of fresh air, to just damn relax, more sex haha (I did get some after 6 mths of being afraid of men but I need more dammit lol), oh & the winning lottery tickets…….I’m tired of working ALL the time trying to get blood from a turnip, it ain’t working lol.

Okay well I gotta get ready for work & feed my 4 dogs, yes I said 4! I don’t know how I end up with so many dogs at times, probably that little stupid thing in my head that says, “Oh its so cute, take it home!” Lol, yep yep.

Have a great day people!

Lori

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