May 27, 2018

You Don’t Know Unless You’ve Been There

One day soon I’m going to write a short story & speak specifics on how I’ve been living & some of what I’ve been through. Yes some of the things I’ve been through you already know but I don’t tell all.

I’m where I’m at today because it’s my fault. It’s my fault because I allowed my life to be directed or intertwined with others lives that shouldn’t have even been in my life to start with. I trusted too much. I depended on too many peoples words. I allowed too many ‘wrong’ people to get close to me. I permitted myself to be used.

You just don’t know what its like to live the way I do or walk through a day in my life & survive unless you’ve actually had to do it, forced to live it.

This is not a poor little me post, this is me admitting to myself & forgiving myself for allowing all the wrong things & the wrong people in my life.

It has come to a severe stop.

I won’t allow anyone to get anywhere near me…at all. Its not just because I don’t want my heart broken again, its everything! I focus only on myself & my sons. It’s impossible to remain focused when you have someone jerking your heart around.

I want someone, of course I do but so far they’ve without knowing…guided me to where I stand today. No blame intended, its my fault I dealt with or listened to any of them. You can’t change people but if you’re not careful they will most definitely change you, & at that point is where we naturally blame someone else even though its ultimately our fault. Hurt changed me, lessons changed me, its my fault I allowed it. But sometimes its difficult to keep it from happening.

Life is hard, period. But our dumb-asses allow so many things to corrupt us its crazy & simply makes life even harder.

I wish this heartache would go away, I really do. I’m tired of hurting for someone that doesn’t even know what I’m doing or where I’m at, or even cares if I’m alive. Someday……….someone will need me.

The struggle to survive is so very real in my life. Its actually worse than it has been my whole life I believe. Also, someday…….I’ll be rescued either by myself or that ‘someone’.

Its a shame that the love I can give & everything I have to offer just sits wasting away…..someday though.

Lori

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