Hey everyone, hope all of you are doing good.
I just wanted to say a little bit about letting go, letting go of what you’re probably thinking. Well let me tell you a few things. Since towards the end of 2017 up to this day, my life has been flipped upside down & a complete mess. ?no?e read my posts, well some of you & you know most of it.
It all has changed me so deeply. I don’t eat, think, sleep, talk, laugh, cry, get angry, etc the same anymore. My thought process has been different too.
Some days I sit & wonder how I’ve made it through any of it. I’ve never had such heartache in my life as I have these past several months. It changed me. I question everything & everyone to the point I irritate myself. I can’t bring myself to trust a soul because trusting people destroyed me in ways that’s unimaginable. Certain people will never truly understand what they did to me….Never.
Am I angry or bitter? Yeah somewhat. It’s hard to shake off what’s been done to me & to be blamed for things I was innocent on with everyone. Why did God allow these people in My life & why My Sons with medical issues…..is something I wonder all the time because they put scars on my heart that I don’t believe are temporary. I still smile, laugh, cut up & stuff, but at the end of the day it’s all still there…the pain. Apparently it really likes me because it won’t let me be. To me, I had two relationships that I thought would never end but they ended at the same time…..it put my ass into full blown depression mode & slammed me into the floor, literally. I laid in the floor in the fetal position for about a month crying, crying & hurting so bad that I really wanted to die. But they didn’t care………
That’s where I had to hold onto everything to stand up, & slowly over time I stopped needing counters & walls to lean on. I’m telling you the pain was bad. BUT I had to let go…….. I had to let everything go including everyone. None of it was healthy for me & I still loved myself a tad bit to realize that my sons needed me to be alive, so I stopped trying to run myself off steep ditches just to end the pain, & I wouldn’t allow myself to lay down during the day.
Even today I still battle with it all but I have overcome the majority of it all. And I’m still battling with exercises & finance’s & of course pain & such.
My sons with these medical problems damn near finished me off because I hadn’t healed from the pain prior before my youngest had a serious major stroke at 19yrs old. So I’ve just collected all the pain & my heart felt like it was gonna explode. God must have a plan because otherwise I’d been dead by now.
So every day all day long I let go of any pain little by little. I have too. I blink back tears all the time because always crying keeps me so depressed that I lose myself.
Letting go is very hard but holding on is worse, you’ll live with that pain for the rest of your life more intensely than you will by just letting go. No I don’t know how to inform you on letting go, its something you have to do on your own & in your own way (without harm to you or others), remember that the ones that caused the pain & all the troubles doesn’t deserve your precious tears or time.
I forgive easy normally but I can’t bring myself to do it yet. If they meant nothing to me as I did to them, I would’ve forgotten about them just like they did me. I will though, I get stronger every single day.
But the pain of all of it is what I’m talking about ‘letting it go’, I remind myself that it’s okay to do so. I’m thankful my sons are better & God has healed them but I can’t go around carrying the scare, fear, & pain of what happened. They need me to be me for them & to remain sane.
I don’t have magic words or a magic pill to stop my pain or yours, but I’m living proof that you can take back control over your life. It takes You deciding ‘enough is enough already’.
I’m in survival mode right now, its pretty bad. I can’t get help with finances from nowhere. I’m fixing to be working two jobs which puts me at working over half the day then sleep the rest of it. But my sons are worth it.
Just take your life one step at a time. Don’t rush your healing but don’t hang out there too long……nothing & no one is worth you dying for.
Have a wonderful, beautiful day!
Deep breaths….. One step at a time…..