I am a dreamer, there’s no denying that at all. I can sit & dream up some magical things. I’m sure a lot of you can do the same. But what happens when one of those dreams is all you can think about? It takes over your mind & heart that’s what.
I have never been rich or even well off financially…never. Money isn’t the big deal but it does play an important role of course, gotta have money to do just about anything. I grew up poor & kinda remained that way. You know why? Because I never got off my ass & done nothing about it. I work but it barely pays the bills I have, it’s always been that way. BUT, this woman is determined to rise, rise above it all.
I have been through more hell than I deserved I do believe, that’s my opinion anyway. My troubles are mentioned here & there throughout my posts. But I want you to pay attention to me, not watch me & think I have the thought process of ‘Look at me’, watch me fight to rise above everything I’ve been through & to fight to fulfill my dreams. I need the support because life gets hard as hell. If it wasn’t for those of you lifting me up, I probably would’ve quit the blog already.
Since my birthday this past year. On December 18th of 2017 was the last time I seen my boyfriend, that’s the day I realized he was dumping me & was seeing someone else. It was the worst birthday of my entire life & followed by the worst Christmas of my life. I was dumped through messenger, not in person. I loved him so much but I was the only one that felt that way. It damn near destroyed me! Then I lost all of my friends & I’m guessing (idk for sure) I lost them because of a hoe/bitch that didn’t wanna compete with me because her men were hitting me up behind her back so rumors began to make me look horrible. I couldn’t work because I was so fucking depressed over the boyfriend. Then I lost all of my stuff, then I lost my house. I had no job, I couldn’t function. I literally would sit & scream because it all hurt so bad…..but did anyone care? No. Did anyone come to my rescue? No. I had to fight through & deal with it completely alone. None of them will return to my life again. I tried to end my life. You don’t destroy people you care about. All of the above happened just in that month of December of 2017.
The only good that came out of December was that my very first grandchild was born at the end of December. That was the start of my healing, I began to realize that I cannot end my life. Through January to most of March I began doing a little better. I got a job that keeps me occupied. I still don’t have a home of my own but I’ll get there. But on March 19th everything fell apart again & this time it was worse. My 19 year old son had a brain stem stroke that nearly took his life. His right side of his body went numb, he couldn’t talk or walk, he couldn’t swallow anything. His eyesight went from perfect to seeing 4 of everything. He ended up having to have brain stem surgery because the avm bled again out onto his brain, they had to get rid of it immediately. I did most of my falling apart on the drives to & from the hospital. The not knowing will kill you! Knowing his surgery was high risk & set at a 50/50 rate was devastating! I screamed on that interstate almost everyday until my throat hurt, my eyes were swollen, my heart was broke. My baby was in danger. He would cry because of the pain & it broke my heart. He is 6’7 & I wanted to hold him in my arms but I couldn’t with all the tubes everywhere. I never want to know the pain from losing a child because the pain from almost losing one just about took my life. I feel for those that have lost their children. He had the surgery & according to the doctors he came out way better than expected. There are soooooo many people praying from sooooo many places & the prayers were definitely heard! He has bounced back better & faster than expected. He is gaining all the feeling back on his right side, he can see much better now, his speech is almost completely back to normal. He took the 5th swallow test & passed! He now eats & drinks everything in sight. He lost weight during the 19 days of not eating. He’s in therapy right now & he’s been getting up & walking, rolling around in a wheel chair. He’s gonna be alright! I thank God with everything in me! Look at what strength & fighting does for you. My son who had the stroke is in the video below. He’s moving, talking, eating…. He’s not allowing this to defeat him!
Then yesterday on my to work my truck blew the transfer case all to hell. It popped real loud, blew grease everywhere, all over the truck underneath & back bumper, smoked like it was on fire. I set on the side of the interstate with my head in my hands just wondering ‘why me?’ What have I ever done in my life that was so bad that I deserve to go through so much hell? I couldn’t even cry, I sat there & laughed at it shaking my head. It’s a $1300 part……I have no ride & no way to go to work now to save up for another ride. I have no money saved up because I’ve been trying to pay my bills. What am I supposed to do? I talked to my boss & they’re not going to fire me even though I can’t show up for work until who knows when? Thankful for that. But I’m sitting here thinking how do I come up with money I can’t make to get a car. I have no fucking idea????
I’m telling you all of this for a reason….just hang on.
Some of you may have read, I was also molested & raped when I was younger. It has followed me all my life. I don’t even have words for it.
There’s much more I don’t mention but the point is, is that I will NEVER give up! I will make my dreams come true somehow someway soon! I want people to follow with me, I don’t want to be alone. I will share my walk all the way to my dreams coming true. I also want to be the reason people get up out of their junk & fight, even if it’s just one person that I reach…..It is worth it!!!! If I can keep moving so can you!
Life’s junk don’t define us, we do. If we allow life to tear us down & keep us down, it most certainly will with no problem. Any of us are perfectly capable of coming out of anything & making the most of any situation. I’m telling you from experience…Get up off that couch, dry your tears & begin to fight! Don’t allow anyone or any situation to get the best of you, neither deserve you if it has you down & out that bad.
Roll your sleeves up with me & fight!
I don’t care what your dream is or if you just want to be damn happy again, only YOU can do something about it. So do it. If you have to change everything about your life then change it. If you have to get rid of people, even family members, then do it. I know how it feels, family & friends are the first ones that will stab you in the back. If they only make you unhappy & unhealthy then they ain’t really giving a damn about you anyway. Maybe try talking to them first, then proceed following your heart.
None of the things I’ve been through or the people that have hurt me so very badly will keep me from reaching my dream, nor keep me from being happy. It’s my choice if I wanna be miserable & depressed or get the hell up & go on with my life. I guarantee you that they don’t even give me a thought, probably don’t care enough to even realize just how much they’ve hurt me. And I’d say it’s close to the same in your situations as well.
Get up & fight! You’re life is important!
To me, I have myself & my 2 sons & grandson to prove to that life’s junk is just that, it’s junk. I & You have the power to overcome anything!
Simply just start by making yourself a list of what needs to be done & stick to it. Work on it everyday like it’s your career, your life is more important than you think.
I wanna hear of your overcomings of your struggles.
I wish you well & strength in your fight, have a wonderful day!