March 12, 2018

Dear Mom:Because Of You


Mom, I miss you so very badly. You were my rock & you always guided me to be the best at anything I do & I do. You never let me down not one time but I fear I have failed you sometimes. I hear your words, I feel you push me, I even smell your perfume from time to time. But mom, I screwed up. I have allowed myself to be damn near defeated by a man, friends, & finances. I fell in love with a person who never did & will never love me..mom, how do I un-love him? I put trust & confided in people I thought were my friends, they know more about me than they deserve. I also lost everything I busted my ass for…everything. But worst of all, I lost myself.
I think of you daily & miss you. I miss that you were the one & only person who truly had my back & you were the only one I truly trusted. It’s all crazy…my life that is. I went from being the strong woman you built to allowing people & life to screw me over & destroy me.
I think back when I was younger & life was so simple. I only worried about looking good for the boys & cleaning my room. Coming home from school to peace. You were my everything mom. All my troubles has me drawn to missing everything about you. It went by so fast.
I don’t know where I’m headed or what I’m really going to do about everything. But guess what mom, I’ve created Life With Lori. You knew my outlet was writing. I have been busting my ass to make this work & because of you I know it will….it will be huge. Because of you I know I will make it through everything life has thrown at me. Because of you I will find the strength to let that man go from my heart. Because of you & my lessons I am now very picky with whoever even speaks to me.
Because of you mom I’m still standing. Because of you I will never give up. I’ve stumbled & failed but with you in my heart I get back up off the floor & try again. I am alone & lonely at times but because of you I find ways to deal with it. I have withdrew from people & relationships in general. I don’t want another broken heart, I haven’t healed from the last one mom. When I was laying in the floor screaming & crying for weeks, I called out your name, I begged God to let me borrow you for a few minutes. It hurts like hell to know I loved but was used. You specifically warned me of the exact situation I was in & that it will end badly for me….it did, I lost, you were right again. Thats where I feel I failed you.
Mom, with everything in me & all that I have I’m determined to make something out of Life With Lori. Because of you I’m able to ignore the negatives & stay focused. I want this bad.
Because of you is why I’m writing this letter to you in my blog. You are a part of it, you helped create it by molding me into the woman I am today.
I miss you….I love you….

Linda Mae Billing. ’56-’12
Love your daughter, Lori

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