March 5, 2018

Defeated?….Not!


I don’t apologize for writing to much on here. I have so much I want to say it’s crazy. Real crazy.
This woman who was silent for most of her life has learned how to speak. Speak of anything or anyone. No longer afraid of what people think or say. Not in a cruel way but in a way to attempt to reach out. To allow my outlet through writing to give others an outlet from their thoughts, troubles, etc, even if it’s only for the amount of time it takes them to read these posts….It’s so very much so worth it.
As stated many times before I’ve had more than my fair share of troubles, trials, & heartache. I suppose God has made me & keeps me strong enough to get on here & on camera for others. I suppose he already knew even when I was a young girl being sexually abused (which was just the beginning of my hell) that one day I would step up & reach out to others. I’m not where I once was but I still here him speak.
After I started getting serious on my YouTube channel I suddenly lost two more teeth, in the front, go figure. It’s not anything I can help but it’s devasting to me. I wouldn’t do any videos for awhile & I just laid there & cried. I wouldn’t even go to the store. But there’s nothing financially I can do to fix it right now. I had to get back on YouTube because of the messages from people telling me they look forward to reading or seeing me because I uplift them. I had to……It didn’t defeat me.
Everyday I still feel my momma pushing me, pushing hard because I’ve wanted to just give up. I get tired & don’t want to fight anymore at all. Her words replay over & over. I can’t help but lay there wondering if there ain’t just one person feeling worse than me who’s ready to really give up on life……At that moment I then turn on the computer or camera & push through. The words from others play through my head & I’m not able to give up. I’m not super woman. I’m not a doctor. I’m not a healer. I’m not a millionaire……But I will do my damnedest to help through what I am capable of doing!
I’ve always been a dreamer. It’s very easy to do that when you can write any story you want & have it end anyway you want. Writing has been an escape for me for as far back as I can remember. It helps me escape from reality, from anger, from troubles, from pain.
I know ever now & then I write some pretty dirty stuff & some frown on it & ask why I waste such effort & talent on garbage like that…….It’s not garbage to me. Any encounter I write about is wrote from my heart. They come out as stories but the actual encounters I dream of having those very intense moments with someone I love not just two people having sex. If others took the time to understand me & learn my heart they would see an entirely different meaning to what I write in the way that I do. Those stories alone distract depressed, angry, lost, hurting people like myself to have a few moments of a break from reality.
Do I wish I didn’t go through everything I did?…That’s a yes & a no because as a yes I’d be more normal but as a no I’m able to help others where most don’t speak.
Do I wish epilepsy would die? YES! Do I wish everyone I lost was with me? YES! Do I wish I was never molested & raped? YES! Do I miss my best friend & my ex boyfriend? YES! Do I miss the stableness from my marriage? YES! And so on & so on……But if all of it was normal I wouldn’t be here or there for others.
Do I feel defeated? YES & NO.
Some days I feel like a complete failure. Some days I can’t do anything right. I lost my love…..I lost my friends…..I lost everything I had including my home-twice. Some days I feel like I’m not good enough for anyone or anything. I have really bad days just like everyone else BUT I realized I don’t want to live like that, in that state of mind for the rest of my life. So I write about My Life……it helps me & other people.
I’m not defeated…
I didn’t lose…
I’m not lost…
I’m not unattractive…
I’m not stupid…
I’m not just existing…
~I Am~
Worth it…
Loveable…
Smart…
Talented…
Funny…
Crazy…
Beautiful…
A winner… And so is each & every one of you!!!
I could honestly write 2 or more posts everyday but I try not to so I don’t drive anyone crazy lol.
Most of my posts are not always speaking directly to anyone or their troubles but it’s the fact that the posts alone no matter the topic is needed by those who seek my writing.
With everything thrown at me I do not feel defeated. If depression slips in & attempts to make me feel that way I shake it off. It may take me a few hours or a day sometimes but I won’t let it reside in me anymore.
I’m just a normal crazy woman lol trying to make it through life & through everything life throws at me just like you.
So no matter what don’t let or allow life or anyone to make you feel defeated. Get up & try again.
Love, Lori

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