February 6, 2018

To Rebuild Myself

These are words, sentences, etc that I use on a daily basis. Maybe not all in one day but several a day to build myself back up. One cannot simply just roll out of bed, go on with life & pretend like nothing never happened or mattered to them. It’s pretty impossible to just turn feelings off for people when you truly care for them. You cannot just walk away just like that. You cannot forget just like that.
I’m a victim. A victim to all my pains, troubles, sorrows, past, etc. But I don’t have to live there in those situations the rest of my life. You see, I’ve been through more than the average Joe yet I’m too stubborn to give up & still standing. I’m not sure how I’m still standing because this pain…this pain has become a major part of my day whether I want it or not. Did I choose to have such shitty friends come into my life?..No. Did I choose to have financial nightmares?..No. Did I choose to fall in love with someone who never loved me & never will?..No. Did I choose for anything that’s ever happened bad in my life?..No. And so on & so on. All answers are NO.
I have no solutions for any of it.

All I can do everyday is blink back the tears, swallow the pain, & keep going. Its okay to cry sometimes, I do. I have to, but when I do it breaks my heart. I’ve never heard myself cry with so much pain that I cry even harder after hearing myself. Does that mean I’m falling in love with myself?..Yes..because I hurt & care for my own well being so much now that I won’t allow myself to slip into all that agonizing pain & misery. The pain never stops, never lets up, won’t leave me alone, but I won’t allow myself to cry that deep everyday.
Useful words, sentences, phrases…

  • Idk how to be single but I’m trying
  • Idk how to unlove a person but I’m trying
  • Idk who ‘me’ is anymore but I’ll find her
  • Yes the pain is great but I’m very damn strong
  • You don’t need them Lori
  • Why do I love or care so much about people who won’t even have a conversation with me let along even acknowledge me? Yet those same ones are all still friends with each other & are on each others social media but not mine…why is that?
  • I don’t fit in with them & never truly did because I am in fact different. There’s nothing wrong with me or anything about me…I’m really an awesome person, its them who live such hidden lives with the dirty shit they’re doing to others & with each other that are still getting along just fine. I don’t do people dirty or cheat them or do drugs or sleep with whoever will have me, that’s why they walked away….I’m too damn good for them & don’t live a fake life or have several different secret lives & I’m proud of it.
  • You’re gonna make it Lori. You’re gonna rise above them, the pain, the troubles, & everything in between.
  • Don’t allow yourself to be used or trampled on again.
  • This is MY LIFE, no one else’s.
  • I’m responsible for my happiness.
  • There is a time for being sad & depressed, then it’ll soon come to a time to where I won’t care no more or look back. Gotta keep going.
  • My boys & grandson are worth far more than some guy or friends.
  • Everything has molded you to step out of the shell you have been accustomed to, to become even damn greater!
  • I’m worth it even if I don’t believe it…. I’ll keep telling myself until I do fully believe it.

That’s not every single one of them but the most often repeated ones.
It really is hard to deal with knowing that all of those people, every one of them that I thought were something to me were actually out to hurt me & stab me in the back all along. I’ve told personal things about my life to them, cried in front of them, truly cared for them….just to be left without an explanation from anyone. Why didn’t I get an explanation?…because I never mattered, because they didn’t care back enough to not hurt me. Idk how to move on I really don’t. I considered to stop writing until I did move on simply because I’m sick to death with how I was treated by them, and I don’t think they deserve to know anything about me anymore. I was done very wrong & very dirty.
I couldn’t sleep at night knowing I had treated someone they way I’ve been treated. But they all can obviously. I say fuck it or fuck them at least 50 times a day. I have literally threw up due to the pain & the possibility of what really went on behind my back from them all.
I do walk completely alone now. I trust no one, not even my dog anymore. I’m skeptical of everything & anything.
But I can’t stop caring for myself. I have to keep fighting regardless. I ran into people I shouldn’t of ever met. I can’t live a fake life with fake relationships, I won’t do it. I’ll cut off everybody. I just recently removed another good handful of people off of my social media.
Of course the love thing is by far the worst feeling I’ve ever felt in my life. At this point I never wanna experience love again, fuck that. So much pain, so much rage inside of me, so much confusion & fear. I fear ever showing any feelings towards anyone ever again. I’ll be damned if I get done like that again. I didn’t deserve one bit of it.
I continue to keep pushing myself & saying little reminders to uplift myself all day everyday. I deserve so much more than what I received from any of them. I hope karma allows me to witness each one of them, evil..yes, but hey can’t blame me for wanting revenge. And I’ve never wanted revenge not wished bad on anyone. They caused me to not give a damn except for my 3 boys & those that suffer like me that may need a little help, even if its just watching me walk through this fire. I already know its helping others so I can’t stop. Hurts to write & video about, but hey I wish someone did that & I found them.

These words spoken by a few of them….’I’ll always be here for you’….then they all left.
They were lucky to have known me but they’ll never get the chance again.
Everything in my life has changed me to the bitch I am now. I stand for myself & my 3 boys, that’s it.

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