I couldn’t sleep last night. I had to get on here & start on this post. There’s just thoughts of realness that I have to jot down before I wonder back off in my own little world. I’ll finish this completely when I get up later (which you don’t know where I started & stopped), its okay I’m half asleep right now, rambling lol.
I keep having these little….what I call break through moments. Its like little ‘snap into reality’ moments.
- Why am I crying over people that don’t want nothing to do with me?
- After what they’ve done behind my back & all the heartache they’ve caused me, why would ‘ I ‘ want them back?
- Why in the hell did I put up with their nonsense for so long knowing they were stabbing me in the back the whole time I knew them.
- One of them talking about me behind my back with others that already turned on me. But showed fake love to my face? Two faced me.
- Why did I sweep under the rug all the signs from them both? Why did I do that? Especially him? Lies, nothing but lies from them both the entire time I knew them.
- I was treated like trash right to my face & I let it slide simply because I loved them.
I have new & strange things that’s happened that I can’t tell no one & secrets I only write in my diary because I can’t trust no one now. It sucks for me to not be able to trust nobody but at the same time it keeps me from getting treated like shit again.
I know I have a lot of posts about all of this. I know some are sad & some I’m all pissed off in. But I can’t stop helping others. Especially when I’ve been quite for awhile & I get messages asking if I’m alright & they make sure I’m still gonna write because it helps them. Even if its not the same scenario, them watching & reading about me fighting through to win over the battles I’m dealing with…..helps them to fight. I feel honored to throw most of my junk out there if it helps someone. One day it will come to a halt. One day I will no longer give 2 fucks about either of them. One day I probably won’t even think of them hardly, which I’m sure they’re not thinking of me now. And I’m sure I’m already forgotten because I didn’t mean nothing to neither of them (I was convenient to their needs at the time) but they were so much more to me. But I will still help others as much as possible because unfortunately I now know what this feels like, loving & caring & trusting people that didn’t love me back & didn’t deserve none of me to start with. I worth it all. Someone will realize that & won’t let me go.
Some people are so far out there that they don’t realize what they have, even if they’re smacked in the face with it. I saw so much potential in them but they choose to continue to live like they do.
This is by far one of the worst life lessons I’ve ever had to learn. I’m still being taught though.
I’ve completely changed because of the pain. May be a good thing, may not be, I don’t know yet.
Do I think sometimes that I’m overreacting on both of them? Sure I do…but reality says I’m pretty much dead on it. Hell I wish I was wrong but they can’t prove me wrong & that’s the thing & I don’t believe words at all now from anyone. Sorry, but life does that to you I guess.
I want a man that is a man. A grown ass man. A man whos eyes don’t wonder..ever. Who doesn’t give a shit about hot chicks on social media or at a store or a business. Who keeps his eyes on me. One who has respect enough for me to tell other chicks he’s taken. Doesn’t make me jealous of other women but makes them jealous of me……Doesn’t everrrrr let me fall asleep feeling like I’m a nobody because he doesn’t treat me that way. One who can love all my pain & heart aches away. A man who can make love to me & make me feel like I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him. Makes me feel like magic even if we argue. One that wants to be around me, to hold me when I cry or just because. One that never makes me question am I good enough. A man who breathes me….
I’m still hopeful there’s a man out there like that.
I’m tired, so very tired of just about everything. Tired of wondering & feeling like I’m not good enough. Where in the hell is he !?!?!?!!???? I need him!!!
I want you people to please share or guide those you know of to me. Those that need to know they’re not alone. To my blog or vlog or both, please. Thank you so much.
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