January 29, 2018

Mourning for people that are alive?….

Good morning!
It’s a good morning but I’m on the cranky side today. I have every right to be I do believe. The air is so chilly its getting on my nerves lol.
So have any of you ever mourned for people that aren’t dead?? The reason I ask this is because I think that explains how I feel. I miss, mostly 2 certain people so bad that it kinda feels like the same pain as missing my momma who has passed, but they’re both still very alive. I sometimes hate the fact that I care soooooo damn much. I can’t turn that off so I refuse to get close to anyone else, to me its for my own good. My heart can’t take on anymore pain.
I wish I was able to just abruptly not give a damn about them like they’ve done to me. I’d be a lot better off right now. I really would be. The word narcissist comes to my mind when I think about them. A narcissist can show so much love & care like they really mean it but they’re also able to turn it off as fast as they can turn it on which means it was all a put on. If you truly care for someone, you don’t nor can’t just walk away like they’re nothing to you. But oh well their loss.
And something that should prove to them that I did in fact give a fuck is simple…….pay attention!! If I truly didn’t care, do they think I’d be writing about them, crying & hurting over them this long?????? No I wouldn’t have! I’m sure I’m the laughing stock to both of them & they think I’m crazy or overreacting.

I haven’t loved two people that ain’t my blood like this in all my life, its hard for me to let go. It was easy as hell for them though. Just one day they both stopped talking to me, moved on & left me standing to deal with all this heart ache alone. They meant everything to me but apparently I was nothing to neither one of them to just suddenly drop me from their life like that.
I’ll survive, I always do. Yes this tragedy hurts like hell & is difficult every single day to deal with but I’ll eventually stop giving a damn about them. I’ll stop loving & caring about them, then I’ll be gone like they want for good. Its a shame too because they couldn’t of asked for a more loyal & caring person out there, they had me but chose to let me go.
I am still doing videos for my YouTube channel. Its going slow because the uploading is ridiculously slow so I can’t just get one on everyday. Upsets me too but I’m trying.
I’ve been working my tail off lately keeping myself busy. Its one of the ways I push myself away from the pain. Not saying it works everyday but it helps.
I’ve been lazy or too tired one to exercise the past few days lol. I’ll get there lol. I want toned up for the summer because I intend on visiting beaches this year, just want to have fun & look good while I do 😎. I refuse to sit around & do nothing anymore. Screw them that don’t want me around, I’ll go…..far away & have a blast, I damn deserve it!
Well have a great day everybody…..chin up & smile. If this chick can, you can too.
Love, Lori

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