January 22, 2018

Momma Said….

With everything going on in my life I can’t run from my mothers words whispering in the wind. And I can feel her push me to just walk, to keep taking steps.
She was a very strong independent woman & she beat that shit into me. She refused to allow me to be weak on anything. She was only 5’1 but by God you did what she said! Lol.
I hear her & she pops in my mind a lot here lately. I think the biggest reason for that is because I want to give up & she would never let me, even up to her dying day. I just simply don’t want to keep struggling & fighting & hurting anymore, its too much. I do wish I could talk with her, I need her. I’m alone dealing with ALL of this & I don’t know which way to turn.
I’ve always been able to make anything happen. Making $1 pay $50 worth of bills, or feed 4 people for two weeks. I just don’t think I have it in my anymore, I’m so tired. Tired of everything!
My mom taught me so much on how to take care of myself & to survive. She also always pounded it in my head to never depend on a man, not to man hate but to always know how to be my own back up plan. I’ve mastered her teachings all my life but I’m tired, I don’t know how to fight this hurt I’m dealing with. It’s seriously taking a toll on me. I’m in love dammit & not loved back!!! How the hell am I supposed to conquer this one momma!!!!????
The tiny progress I’m making on a daily basis which is tiny steps that I have to push myself to do is because of my grandson. He gives me hope. Doesn’t make what I’m going through easier but seeing his face & holding him makes me forget about all the shit for a moment. He’s so precious!
I wish God would let me just sit & talk with momma for a few hours, just talk, drink coffee, & smoke til we figure this out….just like we used to on anything.
Apparently I’m not loveable just fuckable because they don’t want a life with me just an hour or more like 35 mins, that’s all I’m good for.
When I think of my mom it’s like picturing a huge boulder. She was solid. I’ve tried so hard to be like her & to be what she has taught & raised me to be.
My youngest son told me a few weeks back when I was laying in my bed at my old house just bawling, he said, ‘Mom get up!’ ‘This ain’t you!’ ‘You’ve never let anyone or anything control you like this!’ ‘You’re not being the strong mother & person I knew growing up, so get up!’ He had other words as well lol. Told me to tell whoever that man is to kiss my fucking ass because if crying & hurting me is all he’s capable of then he ain’t good for me no way. My boys have never liked seeing me cry or show weakness because I’m their rock just like my momma was mine & still is even though she isn’t walking this earth with me anymore.
It’s just soooo difficult. I’ve never dealt with this shit or this much financial bullshit in my life!
Finding out how real people are these days sucks. It really sucks when you cared & loved them so much. I don’t even have a nearby friend anymore, they’re gone. And so is the man I fell in love with. He’s too busy ‘loving’ someone else now, that he fell in love with behind my back. People really suck. People are such heartless assholes!!!!! I seem to find every one of them!
I did get the first video uploaded to my youtube channel. I’ll post the link below. I ask that everyone shares any of all of videos to spread them around so they can get to the people that are hurting & need to watch. So please & thank you!
I hope everyone has a good day.
Link to my YouTube channel:

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