January 21, 2018

Hey…Good Morning!

So referring to my last post of trying a different thing, well I’m having issues with my videos. Its starting to piss me off. I’ve had to delete 4 videos so far because they won’t upload no matter what I do grrrr.
I’m fixing to go walking so I’m going to try again. I want to do this so bad but nothings working right. And I can’t find my camera anywhere so I have to use my phone until I do which sucks.
Anyway, so many people comment that I’m beautiful & smart & talented & awesome…….I appreciate it but I honestly don’t see it anymore. I’ve stood looking at myself in the mirror & I take pics but I just don’t see it. Smart? Talented? Lol idk, crazy maybe lol.
I really feel like I’m just existing now. I don’t feel important & I feel so small.
I’m stuck. I don’t know where or what to do anymore. I’m all over the place emotionally. I wake up every morning & just lay there thinking what’s the point in even getting up? What the hell am I fighting for? I try to sleep most of the time because when I’m asleep I don’t feel that pain. I don’t even dream anymore, I can’t remember the last I had a dream.
Being around new people is the same feeling as it was being around those I knew, I don’t click with them & I don’t fit in at all. I can’t change who I am & I won’t. Maybe someday someone will appreciate & love me for me & not what I can do for them only. I keep to myself mostly now more than I did before. I don’t want anymore hurt.
If I can get this vlog going you’ll be able to understand me on a better level by visualizing me. To me its a better understanding when I can watch someone as well as read & follow them.
Well I’m off to go walking, it helps clear my mind….well actually it makes me tired so I can go back to sleep & not feel. But anyways, have a good day.

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