January 15, 2018

Feeling Fed Up & Wild

Good morning. Its cold again, I can’t wait til spring gets here. I despise being cold. I literally get pissed off lol.
Ever feel like an outkast? Boy I sure do. Everyone I knew has left me. I don’t know why either. I’ve never done anything to hurt them or screw them over in any way. I don’t think I’ve ever endured so much loneliness or pain either. Thats why I write about it. I can’t make sense of it. Most people say don’t post about your personal life, but the reason I do is because I know for a fact its helping others & I can vent here, its my blog, my little journal so to speak.
People have always liked the shit outta me & its hard to grasp ahold why they’ve stabbed me in the back, talked about me, used me & just left me.
I tried all night almost trying to start my book. Having trouble finding the program I used before to write ebooks on, it was perfect but I can’t remember the name lol. I’ll get it eventually.
Me & one of my sons were talking about moving to south Florida last night. It’d be me, both my sons, grandson, daughter n law, & ex husband (we both have to live close due to our oldest son). But I thought why not? It’s not like I have any reason to stay here in Georgia. Everyone has deserted me anyway. And its warmer!!!! I lived there before & loved it so its definitely a serious talk around here lol. Oh man, just the thought of going to the beach all the time & sinking my feet in the sand has me dreaming this morning. It won’t fix my heart but hey it’s something.
When you’re so used to something or someone then it abruptly ends, its rough on your soul. For me its impossible to go on like people were never in my life. I have to make a conscious effort every single morning NOT to grab my phone looking for my good morning message. I suppose someone else is getting that treatment now. I’m all of a sudden not worth it anymore after all that time & effort.
I literally don’t want to be ME anymore. I’m tired of being the sweet good girl who seems to get used & walked all over. I want a heart as cold as ice & return the pain to each one. I want revenge. I wanna sleep with half the town ~ make em fall in love then disappear ~ rob a bank, be mean enough to finally punch the shit out of this cashier that irritates the hell out of me. I just don’t want to give a damn anymore. It gets me nothing but hurt & screwed over. Someone else always wins or gets chosen over or instead of me. Tired of it. Its bullshit!
I’ve had 3 dramatic hurtful things that has changed me over the years. 1. My oldest having brain surgery at 4yrs old. 2. My mother dying. 3. My bf suddenly dumping me. All 3 have stripped me of myself each on their own. I really don’t know who I am anymore but I’m not mean enough or cold hearted enough to get rid of the pain. Being the good woman/person doesn’t fix nothing just allows people to use me so my heart is still too damn big.
Yep I’m out to return pain & heartache…can ya tell? No none of that is me but I’m sick of it. Bad girls get all the guys & have all the fun so why not? Ain’t like I got anything to lose now & I’m obviously not worth nothing to men or friends to be kept. I plan on going dancing next weekend somewhere.
All of that is soooo not me but I’m tired of being me. 42 years of being me has got me nowhere & no one. Whatever.
I’ll still write though, got to record adventures & stuff. I’ve never even been inside of a club before in my life but I’m gonna go find out what it’s all about hopefully next weekend.
I’m not even sure of what all I’m saying. I can’t think straight anymore. A heartache will fuck you up. It makes you look at everything & everyone differently including yourself. And the way I see myself is probably not good. I hate my body & I now hate my attitude & personality because who I was or am or whatever isn’t anything anybody wants. It sucks. It hurts. What’s the point in being myself anymore????
Well lol that’s all I got for now. Going to soak in the tub for awhile.

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