January 14, 2018

Lori~Love~Life~Lose

There are no words for how I truly feel, I searched & I’ve wrote post after post & nothing ever explains what I really feel.
Words I feel:
Abandoned…Alone…Used…Misled…Took for granted…Played…Unattractive…Disgusting…Victim…Useless…Not good enough…Unwanted
I feel like I’m always the girl that will do until the guy finds someone better. Even with friendships it’s like that too. People are so fake its sickening.

I had went to someone’s house yesterday & on my way home I started thinking about how badly I have been treated & I lost it. I hadn’t really cried too much lately but yesterday I had to let it out. I just let out the loudest scream I could in the middle of crying in my truck, I try so hard to get rid of it, the pain!! I don’t deserve to feel this way, I didn’t do anything to deserve this shit other than being human.
I tried talking with…him, but it goes nowhere. He can’t come up with an excuse nor an explanation as to why he chose to leave me & be an ass to me. Hell he simply won’t answer my questions at all. I had to figure it out on my own that he even broke up with me through shady ass messages. And that shadiness is what caused me to start accusing him a little while back which now is being implied that may be why he left me? Really? I don’t think so. It’s not my fault & I will not accept someone else’s ‘using’ me as my fault…….well it could be if her body is banging I guess & I didn’t turn him on anymore. He knows exactly what I think is going on & since he can’t answer a simple yes or no question it pretty much means I’m probably right, there is someone else.
You just don’t spend that much time with someone & then decide in a moment that you’re done with them if you cared for them. It usually of course means you didn’t care to start with, at all.
Once again I’m left to pick up the pieces of myself. And now I have another painful memory on my path to push deep down so I can breathe. This one though…has really affected me in the worst way. It has changed me.
All my life I thought when I fell in love it would be so magical & would be the best times of my life. And I was told it would be with someone you never expected & it was. I used to only want real skinny men & honestly I never gave a second glance to others. This guy walks into my life who I would refer to him as my bearded sexy beast, boom I fell in love with him. BUT…Never did I imagine being left by that person. It has left me feeling so used & so ugly. It hurts that someone can just walk off from me & have no care in the world. I was a complete fool for giving myself away for someone who had nothing & I mean nothing for me, just sex & now that’s not even good enough to keep him. He’s done with me. I feel so disgusting.
I wish I was wrong on all of this but since he won’t speak the truth it shows me it is the truth.
Anyway….. I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to do with these feelings. Its not fair to be built up like this & then trashed without notice. Left with a fire burning. If you truly really truly really…care for someone you’re not going to treat them like shit & disappear from their life then pop in & say we can still be friends. Apparently he has never loved nor had his heart broke by anyone before because if he did, if he knew or has felt this pain, he wouldn’t of been so cold to me.
Even with all the hurt & confusion & losing myself I still love him, guess that’s not going away. But I don’t ever want another relationship, just sex, no attachments whatsoever! Its not like me to just sleep around but that was the old me, the new me doesn’t give a shit as long as there’s no strings. I don’t want to ever feel this pain again!!!! I’m not purposely looking for sex just stating facts that that’s all it will ever be from now on.
I wish I could talk to my mom. She was my best friend & always had solutions to everything. The pain I’m in would cause her to go & kill him or completely destroy his life like he has mine, that’s how much she loved me. I wish someone could love me & care about me like she did but there’s nobody for me.

I’ve had so many men messaging me I can’t keep up. Some are begging for me to love them like I do him. They’re wanting it bad, I’m getting paragraphs not just lame messages & those ones ain’t sending dick pics…they’re serious. They call him a fool for not wanting it/me & leaving me. Saying one day he’ll regret it..nooooo he won’t lol, you have to have feelings for someone to have something to regret. I don’t know, I’m nothing special I know that now. Him walking off that fast showed me I ain’t the shit I once thought I was.
I don’t know where I go from this point. I don’t know what to do. I am going to start putting my book together I talked about today sometime. The reason its becoming a book is because what I feel is real as hell & the pain from losing him is extreme. I want to help others because this shit hurts.
My boys & my grandbaby are the only people keeping me alive. A few weeks back I was driving & crying. I knew a huge deep embankment was coming up off the side of the road & when I got near it I steered towards it & sped up……I turned back away from it at the last second, sliding, dirt flying & I had to park. My entire body was shaking & my legs felt numb. I wanted to kill myself. Thats how much pain I’m in. All the pain & shit I’ve been through in my life wasn’t fair & I can’t figure out why I deserve even more pain on top of it. I’ve done no wrong to no one. But I know I can’t die, my 3 boys need me. No man & no horrific past problem is worth dying for. Fuck them! Fuck all of it for bringing me to feel this way!

The word Strong doesn’t describe it good enough. Choosing to stay alive instead of being a pussy & dying is high above strong. Yet everyday I walk with such weakness.
Seriously considering weed or some kind of pill or something to keep me from losing it. It’s always just gonna be me, no man, so I need something.
I spoke of more than I usually do because I sense I’m not the only one out there that feels like they’ve reached their max of dealing with life’s shit.
Please listen to me, it all hurts like hell, life sucks but your life is important to some, even if it’s just one person. Keep fighting.
Lori

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