January 10, 2018

Good Morning

So sorry but I haven’t been able to write a good story yet. I’m so stressed out & very heartbroken. I honestly don’t know what to do about it. How do I just go on? How am I supposed to just stop caring & loving? Even with me knowing he’s done nothing but lie to me, cheated & has replaced me now with another. I can’t convince my heart to hate him. I hate myself I really do. The pain & stress is showing in my face I think. As fast as he walked away from me just proves I was the only one that cared & had any feelings. He has no problems sleeping or banging some other girl while he was with me & he’s still doing her. He doesn’t speak to me anymore at all. Dumped me but the last time he came to me he had another woman on his dick……..It Was My Birthday. I’m so humiliated & hurt by the truth that he’s that kind of person. I was warned but I didn’t listen. You can’t change a cheater, they only fall in love with your pussy for a limited amount of time then move onto the next one.
I would’ve gave him everything & I would’ve done anything for him, would’ve actually helped him build his business & worked along beside him instead of blowing his money, but you can’t change a man who’s used to getting what he wants from whoever he wants it from. I see now that I was in the way, time wasted on me was never a priority. I can see right through him…every lie. Of course he didn’t want to keep me around, I was onto how he runs his game on women. Women who are vulnerable by problems, relationship problems they’ve had (just like me when he met me). Talking to them to cheer them up then hitting on them in subtle ways hoping to snatch one up…..Sound familiar to anyone?
I am a victim of being played & dealing with a fuckboy. I fell for it hook, line, & sinker. There’s no other explanation. (The only thing I’ve been told is he’s going through a lot right now…..my guess is he probably is…women). I’m not rich enough or attractive enough or educated enough or tattooed up with big tits enough to keep his interest. One day he will find himself at a point where all the women will stop coming at him & won’t have nothing to do with him, women will since when that’s all men are. This is from someone that says he will always care about me……bullshit. I guess he thinks I’m going to sit & wait until he gets done fucking the new outta his new found pussy. I won’t, I’m better than that & am too damn good for him. He does not deserve me & he didn’t deserve me for those 16 months of my life he wasted just to walk out on me like I was a fucking nobody either & still doesn’t care that I’m miserable. I did nothing but waste my time & allow myself my first complete total devasting, painful, confusing heartache!
Have any of you readers experienced a heartache like this? One that feels like its going to take your life?
I don’t give a damn if he’s mad reading this, maybe its time someone spoke the truth. I had a female friend who is as bad as him if not worse. She sleeps with everybody. And they know each other so………..
I know I’m going on & on about someone that doesn’t even deserve true & cruel words spoken about him but I’m the one that’s hurting, not him!!!! I’m the one who out of habit still grabs her phone looking for his name to be across my phone with good morning lady. The knife twists more when its not there & I realize I’ll never see that again.
I keep writing because its not fucking fair!!!! I did nothing fucking wrong. He sent a message that said he put a lot of thought into us but I started acted crazy…….wtf? I started asking questions because he started acting shady, disappearing, acting weird, coming to me appearing to have already had sex, smelling like another woman, stopped calling & messaging me, even messaging other women in MY house, etc….. So now he’s blaming me???? I don’t think so! Its all on him, he’s never been faithful to anyone, he’s just bored & sick of me.
It hurts so extremely bad to want someone who suddenly acts like you’re disgusting & annoying. And its only because he more than likely got a little attention from some girl & he ran after her. A few pics & some sexting then forgot all about me because he done used me to death & needed new pussy, new adventures, another notch in his belt.
Regardless of it all, I’ll eventually get past him I hope. I just can’t express how much pain I’m in, its excruciating.
I’m doing everything I can to better my life & help my kids but its hard when there’s a tear in my eye all the time. Noooo he don’t deserve them but I can’t make it stop.
I want to travel on occasion here & there so bad. I’m doing everything I can to make it happen but I have to fight off the part of my heart that just simply wants to lay down & die because I can’t wrap my arms around him anymore.
I wonder sometimes if he gets the big head that I love him & I’m falling apart like this? Like does he get off on it? I bet so or its completely the opposite….he don’t give 2 fucks because he’s wrapped up with his new chick who doesn’t know him yet, give her time.
Sorry about my language. Lots of pain & anger here.
I can’t stop writing about this & documenting it all because this is going to be put together as a book & the title will be his first name. Does that give you an idea of how much he has impacted my life???
I’m told all those sweet nothings by a lot of men but its not the same because its not him telling me. He’s giving them away to someone else. I wonder how long it’ll be before she starts getting a little hard to deal with before he dumps her for the next one in his inbox?
I want him. I love him. I feel that home feeling with him. I feel safe with him. I feel stronger with him. Etc……..but he doesn’t want my heart people & now not even my sex, doesn’t want to message or hear my voice, he doesn’t want me at all.
I have to walk away & somehow let what I felt was the love of my life….fade away.
P.S. Someone please explain after everything I’ve said & everything he’s done to me…..why in the hell do I still love him????????????

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