December 26, 2017

Feeling Stupid

Well good morning to you. Hope everyone had a great Christmas………………………………..I went blank there, couldn’t think of nothing to say lol.
My mind & thoughts are all over the place, sorry. I went to the gym hoping it would help me to relax but it didn’t, I almost cried twice right in front of everybody. I overdone it though because I wasn’t paying attention, I already feel my body aching lol. I won’t be able to move in the morning.
I cannot comprehend what the hell is going on in my private life. It’s got me fucked up in the head. I’ve asked tons of questions & received no straight answers.
He wants me but he don’t want me??? Wtf? Can’t even explain to me why I’m being treated like shit. Ignored, barely spoken to, & avoiding me. I figured I write about it since I can’t make sense of it, it’s not like he gives a damn for me anyway nor will he talk. He’s shown that clear as day. Left me alone for Christmas & didn’t speak unless spoken to. Last year he brought gifts & food & himself to me, made me feel like I was on top of the world! But this one it’s like he gave that to someone else.
This Christmas was the absolute worst one I’ve ever had. No family, no food, no gifts…….& NO boyfriend. He avoided me like the plague yesterday. Like I annoy him all of a sudden.
I thought something was up about two weeks ago, he just stopped talking to me, calling me, didn’t ask for pics or talk dirty & sexy to me or nothing. Says he’s never cheated on me but my gut says that’s a lie. Not to mention he doesn’t want to see me. I thought I was going to see him this past weekend but he blew me off & just disappeared into thin air the same night I wanted to see him……..hmmmmm? He’s acting very strange & doesn’t seem to have balls to explain to me why the hell he thinks it ok to treat me like shit but say he’s not breaking up with. I think there’s another woman. I think that’s all it is. Someone better. Something new. I bet she got gifts from him & him.
I’m so pissed off I can’t stand myself right now & even today he’s yet to talk to me or want to see me or explain what the fuck is going on!!!! I’ve been good to him other than getting jealous but I’m now wondering if everything I suspected & everything I’ve been told about him is true. It’s like I all of sudden don’t know him anymore. It really sucks. It’s not only losing a boyfriend but a friend as well.
How can someone just up & not want nothing to do with you after 16 months? My guess is he never gave a damn about me in the first place like he said. When you care about people you don’t just walk away & treat them like shit!
I just reread some messages & I’m not sure if we broke up or not now, it looks like we did on some messages but hell I don’t know people. He’s giving me the runaround. I will not sit here while waiting for him to come back to me because he thinks he wants another more.
I’m worth a lot & I deserve to be treated better than this. Writing about him will probably piss him off but it doesn’t compare to how much he has hurt the fuck outta me!!!!!!!!! And he shows no signs that he even cares. I guess he’s sleeping good at night while I cry myself to sleep because I miss him & want his arms around me……trying to figure out why I’m not desirable anymore. Guess that’s out huh.
Rant over….for now lol. I’m hurting & it’s not fair.
I unhid the ‘The first time story’, I want it to be read. He caused the pain after all the joy he brought!

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