December 25, 2017

Merry Christmas!

It is cold in Georgia this morning! I hope everyone is having a great Christmas. I miss my boys being little especially at Christmas time. All the games & presents & food! Now they’re grown. It’s still sweet but not quite the same.
I’m sure I’ve drove some of you half nuts with some of my posts. It’s my way of venting. It’s easier for me to write out my feelings than to speak to someone in person. I’ve always been like that. I’ll blow up someone’s phone with messages because that’s how I release what’s going on in my heart but I’m sure they think I’m just crazy but that’s not it. It’s just my way of expressing myself through writing.
By no means do I feel any better today than yesterday. But I did come to the conclusion that I will not beg or plead or ask for anyone to want me….again. I shouldn’t have to. No that conclusion doesn’t make me feel better, it’s just that I realized I am something special whether anyone sees it or not & I’m not begging. It’s funny sometimes because a total stranger without even meeting me can point out things about me that they shouldn’t know. But yet someone that knows me can’t see my worth. And that worth is what I’m not proving anymore. If it isn’t noticed & respected then basically fk off.
I didn’t post it on Facebook because I recently decided I’m kinda tired of sharing so much personal stuff. People take everything the wrong way. And honestly if I hear one more person tell me to grow up & get over anything….I will probably snap my shit on them. They don’t know me or my life, hell people I do know don’t even really know me or care to. Anyway…….my daughter n law had contractions the other day & dilated to 1 & 1/2 but stopped. My grandson is so close to being born & I’m so excited!
I’m sure y’all figured out that some of the stuff I write is about a man…duh lol. And I marked the posts where I spoke highly of him & wrote about our personal experiences together that I loved as private. Means no one can see them but me. I didn’t hide them to be mean but at this point I’m not sure what’s going on & I’m not fond of looking like a fool. I don’t know what’s going on & that’s why I hid them. But I’m not gonna give anyone credit if I’m made to feel unsure about them. It sucks, it really does. I don’t like the confusion & uncertainty of it all. And if someone means something to me I’m going to want to write & tell the world how wonderful they are. But I’m so confused right now with everybody & everything I basically shut down.
I guess my biggest problem is I have NO problem telling anyone what I think or what I see or suspect or know or etc….and it pisses some people off. But oh well.
I’ve got so many problems & issues going on that it’s crazy & not having my release (my man or not mine, idk anymore) just makes it worse. You know people have made a habit of leaving me or pushing me to leave them. It’s not fair. It gets a little hard & they run, just drop me like I’m nothing, like I’m trash & I’m always left picking up the pieces of myself. There always seems to be someone or something better for them than me.
I quit though. I just quit. I refuse to even make a new friend anymore. I’ve been through shit with men & friends that I didn’t damn deserve.
Anyway I hope everyone has a wonderful day & I REALLY hope mine is going to be better. Can’t take another shitty day.
Merry Christmas!!!!!!

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