December 21, 2017

Insert From Diary

I write in my diary all the time & it helps me but I remembered there are quite a few waiting to read my stuff. So I cleaned it up & removed names to put it on here publicly. My diary has become my best friend….sad ain’t it?
I’m not sure where to start. I don’t even know how to react to what I feel. I’m kinda numb right now. It sucks but it only sucks for me because I was a fool. I won’t go into details but I’ve never been so hurt & felt so humiliated before in my life. Disgusted.
I’ve never done a damn thing to no one to be treated with such disrespect in my life. And I’m made out to be the bad guy, the one at fault. The asshole. The one getting ignored. That’s what you get when you’re right though. They turn it all on you to make themselves look good or feel better.
I always learn lessons the hard way because I’ll care too much. It won’t happen again I promise. I can’t do others how they do me & I don’t understand how they sleep at night. How can you treat one person like gold & use the shit out of the other one?
I have fucking feelings that have been neglected & used to the max. I’m a human being not just a piece of p***y when others ain’t available. But that’s all anybody does anymore…..sleep with anything that’ll have them. But one day when they’re done running around there won’t be anyone like me waiting around anymore.
I swear my thoughts right now are screw having another relationship of any kind. I don’t want to hurt no more, it’s my fault. I should’ve known better than to get attached to anyone because all they do is use me, blame me for it then leave me like I’m damn nothing & they move on to the next one without any remorse or care at all.
You can give your all to someone & write or tell them how wonderful they are & what they mean to you & they’ll still lay with another the next day if not the same day.
I can still write short sex stories but to involve actual sex in my life right now….I just can’t. I feel so disgusting, I can’t even masterbate. Everything I thought I was awesome at, everything I gave my all to & every effort to-is obviously not good at all. I’m never cherished or truly cared for which means…I guess I’m not shit. I’m just not enough.
Funny how shit that happens to you can change your view of yourself & the way you look at things & people in the blink of an eye. Personally I hate men anymore. I intend on staying single, I’ll be damned if I’m getting hurt again. If I have to change my number & delete social media & never leave my house, I will not hook up & meet another one. It’s not worth it & I don’t fucking deserve it! I didn’t deserve being cheated on by every man I’ve known.
I know a lot of my posts are sad or just me venting. But you have no idea how many people tell me to keep writing because it helps them with their mess. That’s why I do & the fact I don’t have anyone anymore I can trust with all the details so I write in a round about to get it off my chest. I’m glad it does help others but honestly I wish I could write how happy or in love I am with someone instead of all this pain. I must have really pissed off someone in my past to be receiving this kind of karma.
It’s like I don’t fit in anywhere with anyone. It’s like I’m not good enough as a person or in bed. It’s like I’m a nothing. I don’t get thought of, I’m actually forgotten by those I never forget. And I could never stab someone in the back, forget them, cheat on them, or do them wrong in anyway like everyone has done me. It’s not fair but oh well I guess. I guess I’m just not meant to be anyone’s anything.
Maybe that’s why I write…

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