Probably don’t make a bit of sense to nobody but me. I’m not going to lie, it is pure hell on me & it’s been real bad this past week. This past week I have cried so hard, harder than I’ve ever cried in my life. Pain that won’t go away. Problems that won’t go away. Situations that seem like they’re unsolvable. I’m not myself for sure but everything & everyone is making it worse on me. People just don’t understand depression at all. They just dish out whatever on you & treat you however & then get upset when you snap. Let me tell you my fuse is way shorter than it used to be. I don’t attack anyone or anything unless given reason, so if I’m reacting then someone or something has given me reason to do so. You should probably run.
Paradise being the word I’m using to describe my depression is different but it makes sense to me to say. During this that I’m going through I’m learning more of who I am & what I can & cannot handle. My weaknesses & strengths. Learning people, who is real with me & who is not. Guess what? Most people are not real with me & they’re gone. I know exactly what I want in life. I know what I want in a person rather it be a friend or a significant other. With all of that said..it sounds like I’m pretty solid huh? Well for the most part I am but when the depression episodes hit its a different story. I always seem to end up in the floor, I don’t know why. I can’t figure that out. It usually begins with what I think it looks like is pouting then I start becoming immobile. Just can’t get up & do nothing, not even energy to go to the bathroom to pee. Then there’s a stage where I’ll pace through the house & repeat things like ‘I can’t do this”, or ‘Why is he or she so mean to me?’, or ‘No one wants me’, ‘No one will ever love me’. There’s plenty more that involve lots of bad words lol. Then there’s the crying stage & panic attacks. That’s where the floor comes in I’m guessing because wherever I’m standing I’ll drop to the floor & lay on my side & cry for hours. Such a helpless feeling & I’m wanting the entire time for someone to give a fuck & come hold me. It never happens. I pick myself back up off the floor & continue on with my day.
I can see myself through both ways but I cannot stop the episode or control it. I can still realize everything I wrote above about what I want & who I am but during the episode it seems like it’s temporarily out of my reach. I still feel myself & still understand even during it that it will soon pass & for good some day. I just hold on. I do on the other hand wish someone would buy me all new makeup that’s waterproof. Really tired of reapplying it lol. I can see a funny side to it & sometimes say to myself stop being a baby but at the same time it scares me & I know I have to fight this alone & non medicated. I refuse to become another doctors crazy case & be pumped full of drugs that’ll destroy me. I just simply want held sometimes during them, that’s all. But I cannot get that.
Well today is my 42nd birthday but I don’t feel 42 lol. I hope its not going to be a shitty day for me, I realllllllly do. Anybody that wants to be an ass to me needs to leave me alone today. It’s my day!
And its getting so close to my grandson being born!!! He is due January 11th so not much longer yay!!!! I’ll be proud to say I’m his granny!! Even though I don’t feel like a granny but I’ll be a fun one haha!
Well okay its after midnight & my eyes are heavy. Good Night & Good Morning! Have a wonderful day!