December 13, 2017

Uplifted with Love

Good cold frigging morning lol! I’m freezing to death this morning geez.
I normally don’t write about personal conversations between me & my sons but my youngest was so uplifting last night in our conversation.
He knows I’m depressed & he had came over late last night. He sat on the foot of my bed & proceeded to tell me that he knew a few years back that I was already depressed. He said he didn’t know how many times he passed my room & could here me crying. Time after time. That was back when I was still married to his dad & after my mom had passed away.
He gave me examples of how much stronger I was then. That I cried BUT I didn’t lay down & quit. He said mom, anytime you’ve ever wanted something, you used to have so much stamina & will power that you accomplished anything. That I didn’t let nothing defeat me.
One example was there was an half a acre of land that I wanted cleared. He said mom, you wanted it cleared & you did just that, you cleared it. I spent week after week using only hand clippers & a sawsall until the acre was deemed mowable. It was hard, it was so freaking hot, & my kids helped me. I kept pushing & they stuck with me by my side. Every day I could spend on it, I did just that until it was done. Project after project, problems, etc. Whatever it was I fought it all with everything I had & wouldn’t give up. I want that woman back!
His point was that I used to never give up on anything…….nothing. And he’s right. While he was telling me that I actually seen the fighter I used to be, I flashed back, it scared me because it made me realize just how weak I’ve become. And just how much I’ve allowed everything & everyone to get at me to the point I can’t get out of bed everyday.
If I had the same strength now as I did then, all that shit at my yarn mill job would’ve been handled immediately. The old me would have bitch slapped the hell out of the problem & ended it! She wouldn’t have ever ran that shit eater again, I guarantee it. But I just kept my mouth shut allowing a childish adult to make me look like a fool. I’ve never allowed anyone to run over me…everrrrr. Financial problems…Ha, I would’ve worked 3 jobs to get things took care of then. Anything I wanted, I went out & got it! I didn’t depend on nobody to do it for me. I wanted good credit & I busted my ass to get it. Yes I lost it all now but I swear I’m gonna fight to get ME back! That’s what matters!
My sons words were on my mind when I woke up this morning. I intend to get back to that independent, strong willed, one hell of a right hook fighter! I want myself back! I’m so glad that someone cared enough to talk to me like that.
Looking my son in the eye listening to him basically telling me how awesome I was at being strong was bitter sweet, because I’ve laid down to die with the depression. I’ve become weak. Not for much longer though, that’s all I needed….was love shown to me like that. I don’t need those fake people just those that truly care & love me.
I love my sons, they’re my world!

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