December 11, 2017

Do we really know who we are?

Lost, finding ourselves, confused, real or fake ???
Do we though, do we really know who we are? Do any of us know what we really want? Or maybe who we want?
I tried to go to sleep but I kept tossing & turning for hours. Getting up to pee, to eat, to stare at Facebook, even staring at the walls in silence. I have no idea really what I’m feeling. I even wondered am I really depressed? Is this just another stage of mental process/growing I’m going through & it’s just easier to say I’m depressed? I’m really serious here people. What is this? Or is this what depression does to your thinking?
I do things I’m not so proud of. I do things only I know of that I’m not so proud of, I have to do whatever I can to eat & such. Things I’ve never considered before. Sometimes I wish I could undo some things, un-meet some people, & change things around. But I can’t. I can’t undo what’s been done nor can I be the person I used to be. I can only be who I am right now in this moment. PAIN has changed me a great deal. I wish I had someone that would just sit with me, hold me, & say lets just talk this junk out & really want to listen & help me. But I don’t. Time to spend on just me. Everyone is too busy. I’m not talking about texting/messaging either. I need touch, I need to feel the ‘care’. But I guess it’s too much to ask for.
I attempted to talk about some of my problems to my younger son but I stopped because I don’t want him burdened down with my mess. He just started his own little life & has a family now, he has enough worries.
After everything I’ve been through, where do I go now? How do I go on? Who the hell do I turn too? Yes I chose to be single & divorced. But had I known I’d end up losing everyone & being completely alone, I may have never left. But that doesn’t sound fair to the other party though.
I had a dream the other night & when I woke up & realized it wasn’t real I started crying my eyes out. There was a man in my dreams & I could feel he actually wanted me. I was happy, it was intensely romantic. Not really a wet dream, more like a dream of what I want to feel & it’s not just sex. The way he stared into my eyes, saying what I want to hear but he only spoke with his eyes. Understand? Caressing the side of my face making me feel that I was his girl. Such a powerful feeling.
Why do I need to fill that void so badly? Why do I have to wish or beg for it?
Why do any of us struggle with the same type of things all the time? I mean do any of us really really really know who we are? I look at myself in the mirror on occasion & search for an understanding of what it is about me that keeps me from being truly wanted. I don’t get it.
We portray ourselves as a type of person, but are we just choosing parts of others that we like & just putting it all together to create our self? I don’t want to keep feeling like this, I want someone to take it away or at least teach me how to cope with it better. Telling me I need to do this or that doesn’t solve the problem deep down, just masks it only for a short while.
I can have any man I want & it can be a different one every night of the week. My inbox stays full but that’s not what I want. I don’t want to date 100 men to only find out they only want sex, you know what I mean? That’s all anybody wants anymore. Watch tv with me for crying out loud, show me you’re normal. I know by ignoring I have no idea what I’m passing up. But at the same time I can’t help but think ‘do they know what they’re passing up by not being consistent’? But oh well, I won’t answer anyway lol.
Anyway I wrote this because sometimes it helps me to try to understand myself since I can’t ever talk it out or cry it out.
Well my eyes are finally heavy now so maybe I can sleep. I wish I had all the answers. I wish someone would be willing to drop everything & come to my aid but it won’t happen.
So….goodnight/good morning to all of you!
Lori
 

Please feel free to comment

%d bloggers like this: