December 6, 2017

Reality Sucks

Good morning, well for most I hope it is anyway. It’s just another long, boring, lonely day for me. Eh, I’m getting well used to it though, probably too used to it. I haven’t left my house much the past couple of weeks other than work related due to being broke & I just simply don’t want to be around other people. I’m so sick of fake people it literally makes me sick at my stomach. I’ve had enough of fake friends, being lied to, being stabbed in the back & so forth. Those kind of people make you just stay to yourself, well me anyway.
Reality does suck though. Does for me. I literally have no one that has my back. I don’t have family to turn to or nothing. I have a brother but the last time we spoke was because he sent a f’k you message to me & blamed me for his life. To say the least you know I cussed back. I love him & he is my brother but I’m not responsible for his mistakes or his life. People over the last year & a half have proven to me that there is not really any good people. Everyone is all about themselves….period. They don’t mind at all to walk all over you, stab you in the back, screw your ‘other’, lie, use, etc….. Most people have such cold hearts. I have developed a cold heart right back at them & now even towards others the past few weeks. I’ve never been able to be so mean to total strangers like I am now. I have no patience anymore either…at all. I’ll go off on anybody, cashiers, tellers, slow drivers, etc. I just don’t seem to care anymore. A person can only take being shit on so many times before they start returning the damn favor. Then we become like them..yay, hard not to though.
I won’t even ask for help anymore or company, always excuses as to why they can’t. No I don’t expect anyone to care for me but sometimes we all need something at one point or another. If people really care about you, they will help without you even knowing. If people really care about you, you won’t have to beg for their presence to be around you. I’ve learned if they always make excuses to avoid you, they don’t want to be around you. Yes people are busy with their own lives but ain’t nobody that damn busy. Shows you what priority you are or are not.
I have applied to several writing jobs lately & I hope I get at least one or two of them. It’s all I want to do anyway. My mind stays full of stuff to write. I hold back from posting because I feel it will drive everybody crazy always seeing posts from Lori Hensley all the time. That’s one reason I tried to do videos but I’m so damn sad all I do is cry in them so I stopped. I’ve even looked at traveling jobs just so I can get away sometimes…from it all. The reality of that & it hurts so bad is that no one would even notice I was gone.
I so bad want to give/show somebody everything I have but when I try I’m shown why I shouldn’t & that sucks. I have never fully given my entire self to anyone my entire life. I wonder what it would be like to be able to. To trust that much. To love that much. I’m so tired of holding myself back & not releasing my full potential. It’s not fair I have to stay hidden.
Last night I went through my facebook & I either deleted or hid the majority of my pictures. Reason for it is because I feel unwanted & disgusting. It hurts & I just simply don’t want to be seen. I’ve never felt like that before, not this bad. When you seek someone’s attention but they’re too busy for others, it makes you feel like shit. It makes you feel unattractive & not good enough. I no longer wish to draw attention to myself because I just don’t feel like I’m good enough for anybody. It’s an awful feeling. I think I may being shutting down instead of getting better. I don’t know. I think being alone bothers me greatly because I used to never be alone, ever. And the fact that almost everyone has screwed me over & lied to me & just done me dirty doesn’t help. I don’t deserve any of it. I’ve never done anything to any of them but yet I apparently appear as a doormat or I have stupid written on my forehead. I just wish I had a person I could depend on fully, someone I can talk to about anything in person of course. It would just be nice once in awhile. But it’s like I don’t exist anymore.
I’m just tired of trying with people. Tired of being let down. Tired of being lied to. Tired of being took advantage of. Sad thing is, is that most don’t know just how much I know about them. That’s me, I don’t say nothing unless I have to. I keep all the secrets locked away. Also I do that because somewhere under this newly founded cold heart of mine, there is a huge heart that wants to cover up anything anyone has ever done to me. But the new bitch doesn’t give a fuck. But even the bitch still cries herself to sleep, oh well, one day it’ll stop I’m sure.
I’m not the best but when I’m done….I’m done.
Speaking of being done, I’m sick to death of being broke. If I have to find me a sugar daddy well, I just might lol as long as he don’t want no sugar ya know hahaha, just company.
My birthday is this month & I’m sure I’ll be alone again on it. Might not be a big deal to most but I’ve always been big on holidays & birthdays. But oh well. Maybe I’ll get a husband for Christmas…..hahahaha! Nah I’m good, a puppy will be better, it won’t lie to me or cheat on me like all the men do.
I’m working my butt off & soon it will show…hopefully. I plan on when the time comes to buy me another Jeep cherokee. I had one before & I loved it! That way I can give my poor truck a rest & a full tune up from one end to the other because it has a lot of miles & needs a lot of tlc. Plus I wanted it lifted & painted charcoal gray with black rims & have my stereo upgraded. My flow masters on my truck need to be re-welded as well, they’ve broke loose. BUT I will have to install a stereo system in the Jeep too, I can’t drive without my boom lol. Me & my son have a mustang, it’s got problems. We were going to fix it up but realized it’s cheaper to buy another one to share than to fix that one, but it’s in bankruptcy so I can’t sell or do anything with it until that’s done.
I’m just rambling this morning ain’t I LOL? Sorry, I do that when I’m bothered or my feelings are hurt or just feeling like shit about myself, pity party maybe lol.
ALSO, it will probably be one of the first things I do after I get my teeth work done & that is too move!!!!! I want a nicer place that has central heat/air but still close to my sons. Right now I have a rat in my house & it’s been here for a few weeks. I have 3 sticky traps & 3 of those snap rat traps & that little bastard eats everything I put on them without getting caught. He literally will poke his head out, run by my feet, etc. WTH?? lol I still set the traps but I now call him George! haha. He’s a smartass! I don’t even run & scream no more, I’m just like..Hey George! Pathetic I know lol. At least I haven’t seen a snake or a spider in awhile.
Okay well, I spoke what I needed to get off my chest so I will hush for now. Hope y’all have a great day!

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