December 1, 2017

Am I crazy?

Is it weird that I can’t stop writing? It’s like I can’t get it out of my head what I want to say. I want to shout, scream, & cry it out! Maybe if I wasn’t so alone I wouldn’t be like this? I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. I’m hurting, I’m broken, I’m depressed, I’m fucking miserable for crying out loud!
There are times I’m hurting so much in my heart I can’t even get a tear to come to my eye. Does anybody notice?…..Nope!
Why is it that complete strangers can sense my worth & a touch of who I am but someone that knows me…doesn’t? Please explain. The hurt is overtaking me. None of this makes sense to me. What is happening? Is this a breakdown or a breakthrough? Maybe I’m realizing my own damn worth & can’t tolerate a drop of bullshit! Or maybe I’m just fucking losing it finally & about to snap.
I just want to shake some people looking in their eyes & make them see who I am but you know what? If I have to do that they ain’t worth it. Do they see it but are afraid or intimidated by it? Or don’t think they can deal? Or think I’m just flat out crazy?
Yep yep, this is me totally writing how I think. I’m just letting it out as the thoughts come to me. Maybe one of you can see something in my words that I can’t figure out.
Why am I not good enough for a damn man? Why do they all cheat??? Is it me? My body? My attitude? Am I not girly enough? What is it? I’d love to fucking know. Is my vagina too loose?…too tight? What is it!!???
Are we supposed to just settle with someone & all of us cheat on each other in order to not be alone & be happy? Is that how it really works? Apparently I’ve been sheltered from this lifestyle while married for 22 years. Yes I was married for 22 years. We both had faults, etc., both of our faults. It just didn’t work anymore. …….OR maybe I just fucking understood it…hang on…………………ok, so each partner has side people to keep them happy. When the side piece gets too attached they dump them then move on to the next one & the cycle repeats. Get em, fuck em, break their heart, then NEXT. Am I’m getting closer? Well maybe my ass should had stayed married & we both just cheated like hell, brought home diseases to each other & such. Hmmmmm.
Seeeee I told you I’m losing it…I think. Or maybe my eyes just opened to bullshit. Oommmyyyyggggg! Is that how all relationships are? Or is that just for the whores? Someone please enlighten me.
Sick of feeling like I ain’t good enough.
I’m told I’m the shit. I’m told by many I’m beautiful. I’m told my sex is fucking amazing, superb oral abilities. I’m told I’m cool because I prefer to drive a pickup truck. I drive around in my truck booming my $2000 stereo system which I’m told that is hot, even at 41 years old. The fact I can build things with my hands is hot to most. Also told how cool I am because I can cook, work hard, know how to bait my own hook, & can dance so good. Told how easy it is to fall in love with me…….Okay, so, where the fuck is the problem if I’m so damn ‘whatever’ in so many areas????? Huh? Can’t say I’m not wifey material, I got 22 years experience thank you very much & can blow most women’s fakeassness off. Yeah, I know I’m the shit but for some reason the ones I want or care for can’t see it or don’t respect me at all!
Why does it hurt so bad? You know, my heart ache? I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t even wanna care anymore about a man. They’ve all screwed me over one way or another. I’m just being honest. Yes I can be nagging, yes I’m very capable of being a royal bitch, yes I can make your life a living hellllll but if you respect me you will receive the absolute complete opposite 100%!!! So again why does that seem like a bad/big deal that no one wants to keep me & be good to me? Ugh! Why do men want to stick their dick in everything? Why? Do they not realize that one day all of us women they’ve slept with will move on & there will be no one left worth having? Their wives/girlfriends will move on as well I bet. Sitting alone, calling up the worn out old whores like them. The young chicks ain’t gonna want no old broke dick man whore.
Omg I’m so bashing men again here. I guess because they just hurt me so bad. But I will not apologize. Not to the low life’s anyway.
So back to me. I just want a man to want me & ONLY me. Only looking at me. Only texting me. Only calling me. And definitely only fucking me. I really don’t think I’m asking for too much.
This is more like a pissed off journal insert huh?
I’m the happiest woman in the world is something I’d love to say. Everyday.
I’m really hurting so bad, so bad, it’s eating me alive & only I know it. I can’t eat or sleep or work or think. I don’t wanna…go on like this anymore. I can’t or can I? Is this what it feels like when you really love someone? If so, I don’t ever want to feel it again. But at the same time do you have any idea how bad I want to hear ‘I love you’ ? Yea well I won’t. If it wasn’t for my two boys & grandson, I’d just go ahead & die. I’ve lived a life of pain that no one would ever understand & I can’t deal with anymore. I’m just done trying to be wanted.
Hell I don’t even want me now.
Oh god somebody hold me until the pain is gone…..please!?!?! Please?
okay bye

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