November 29, 2017

Unbearable Pain

I know I just wrote a post but I have to let this out.
Only one person has ever heard me say anything about my true heart felt feelings.
I feel like I’m dying. My heart is shattered and I don’t know what to do with the pain.
I’ve never in my life felt the pain I’m feeling right now. It’s unbearable, it’s painful. My girlfriend is the only one that heard me say the words of how I feel in my heart towards another person. And that person I don’t think could give a rats ass about me, care if I’m in their life or not, or care if I’m dead or alive. That’s how I feel from the actions, circumstances and assumptions, etc. Too many something’s have happened between us and I can’t deal with hiding the pain any longer.
All of the posts where I say I can’t speak my true feelings…..well all of it was all about one person. So there you go, I’m letting it out.
It wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to fall…..but I did and I fell hard. I’ve never in my entire life felt this strongly towards someone and it’s the wrong someone. I’ve never done nothing like that before..a one night stand that didn’t stay a one night stand, it was too powerful to only happen once.
I believe completely that it’s one sided and I’m the only one dying on the inside from it.
This karma I talk about, well this IS my karma. This is my pay back. It has to be, it hurts too much. And it will never become anything…ever, that’s why it’s my karma.
It cuts me to the bone to come to the realization to know that no one- I repeat no one really truly wants me for me. This is a part of my depression. Yes there is a lot more things and people that contribute to the depression as well.
I suddenly don’t feel attractive at all. I feel disgusted and gross. I looked at myself in the mirror and I just cried. Who the hell would want me? I’m not built at all, I’m too skinny, I have a belly, I don’t have boobs, and my ass is flat, my face looks stressed from the stress of everything, my teeth are not great…..who would want me anyway??? And I can’t help but ask myself why I thought someone did at one point?! And why I wondered why they all cheated? I know why, I’m not the shit I thought I was. Yes my confidence has took a turn for the worse all of a sudden and I don’t even want to be seen.
I feel so stupid and blind. My current arch enemy warned me of this person over a year ago, repeatedly warned me, kept on about for a little while!! I wouldn’t listen. I was vulnerable. I just walked away from a very long marriage and a sorry ass bf I had afterwards. I was a complete mess. And meeting this other person was the best thing I thought that ever happened to me. I didn’t know. I wanted to act single.
Let me explain something to you. I can’t express how he makes me feel. I don’t think he can comprehend it either because I think I’m just invisible to him compared to how I feel.
Every problem, every pain from the past just slips my mind when I’m with him. I’m not going into details but everything we share between us (in my eyes anyway) is out of this world. It’s mesmerizing to me. It’s extremely erotic and passionate. Every kiss, every touch, every moment of eye contact makes my heart flutter. But I do believe it’s one sided.
I’m a fairly strong woman but this, this is kicking my ass. Right kind of person, right feelings, wrong time kinda thing ya know.
No I haven’t told this person direct words but I think my actions have already said it over and over, but I don’t think it would mean anything if I did say it.
This wasn’t supposed to happen damn it. I’m supposed to be strong enough to not allow myself to fall. What in the hell happened to me???
He doesn’t know this…but like I said all the details-my girlfriend knows everything…..The very first day I met him was at my house. He was already there because I had to pick something up and got held up. When I pulled up and parked, we both got out and walked up to each other. When I looked into his eyes…..in that moment….right there in my front yard….I fell for him….right then and I didn’t even know him….and all he had said was hello. I was in his arms that day and I didn’t want to let go. I felt like a teenager again. It’s been a year, 3 months and 3 weeks since the day I first met him. I felt as strongly for him then as I do now.
He had me at Hello….
But it all doesn’t matter how I feel, he doesn’t feel the same. It’s complicated and one sided, it’ll never happen. So here I am dealing with this pain and I don’t even know where to start to even try to just become heartless so I can’t hurt anymore.
It felt so real except it wasn’t supposed to happen.
No one has any idea how badly I want to just shout it out loud at the top of my lungs, * **** ***!!!!….but I can’t, I’ll make a fool of myself. I cry, I cry harder than I’ve ever cried in my life. I hurt so bad all the time. I can’t shake it. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling the way I do towards him if starting right now we never spoke again. I don’t think I’ll ever forget him or truly get over him. I just wish to God that a man would feel the same towards me like I do him.
Until people get heartbroken like I am they won’t understand it. They just think you’re crazy and overreacting. But I thought the same thing too until I fell……Now I know.
I just want to be and be made to feel like I’m good enough and that they don’t need other women to fulfill them. But I know I’m not enough, I’m not enough for anyone, that’s why they all cheat. I literally want to take down all the mirrors in my house so I can’t see myself.
I’m tired, I’m broken-hearted, and I’m a fool.

Lori

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