November 21, 2017

You don't understand

Fighting depression unmedicated & alone
Good morning to all of you. I do hope everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving & a great weekend.
I only have to work one day this week at that ugh job so I’m happy about that. I honestly can’t pick another job because they’re all similar to the one I have & that sucks. I’m doing other things & of course blogging & I’m looking into another online business. Not sure about it but I’m doing some research on it before I jump in, can’t just trust anyone on the web ya know.
But this post is definitely about my depression. I deal with it everyday all day long. No one truly knows what all is going on & what all triggers it & so forth.
I do not see a doctor, I do not take any pills or do any drugs. I have very few people to somewhat speak about it to, but even at that I can’t completely open up.
I can simply be watching a movie & be calm & then all of a sudden have a panic attack out of nowhere. It can last a few minutes or longer. There are moments I have such fear over me that I can’t hardly deal with it. It feels like I’m in a horror movie & scared shitless but there ain’t nothing there.
I sometimes have a few good days in a row & I feel like I’m on top of the world & feel strong as hell! But that can change at the blink of an eye. There has been days where all I can do is cry. Days I can’t even get out of bed which has caused me to be put on final at work but those so called people I work with think I’m lazy…shows what they know or even try to understand. Bitches.
Some days I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want the radio on or tv. I just sit in silence all day & night trying to make sense of a nothing that I feel. I can’t explain the nothing. None of this junk makes sense to me but I keep fighting it. It started the day I watched & heard my momma take her last breath, that was in 2012. It ripped me into a million pieces & I’ve yet to find those pieces & put me back together.
I’ve been through some rough shit the past couple of years & of course it still continues. A divorce, an evil boyfriend who damn near starved me to death, an attack by females at work that tried to get me fired & make me a laughing stock at the plant, financial trouble, etc. That’s only the tip though. I’m not going to list the things that are really killing me, ain’t no reason to.
Last night I laid in bed staring at the ceiling just crying so hard. Everything on me & arguing with others makes for a rough night. But who’s there for me? I mean really? I’ll tell ya…me. I fall apart & then have to pick my own self up & have to comfort myself & do the little pep talk to peel me up off of the floor. It sucks. No one there to hold me, to comfort me, nothing. And that makes me cry & hurt even more.
I’ve never in my life felt so alone as I have lately. It’s a scary feeling. I am solely responsible for me in every way from groceries to working on my truck & everything in between. Have you ever tried to make a pack of hotdogs, buns & chips last a week for your supper every night? I have many times. Not saying that for anyone to feel sorry for me but for those that complain about their good life & have never been in a situation to where they could even sympathize with me or others on stuff like that, that go through hell should really just shut the hell up, that’s how I see it. If you can’t help, shut your mouth & walk away because that is helping us to listen to someone else’s negativity.
I’m not saying at all that my problems are worse than anyone else’s but I am saying those that have ‘it made’ & choose to fuck it up because they ain’t happy & complain like no one has it worse than them….fuck you & your big hearty meals every night before bed & being warm. Bless your heart you couldn’t get your hair or nails done right & I’m sitting over thinking how am I’m gonna eat this week. Right?
Not only do I deal with things & people, I have to deal with the mental abuse as well. Yes I do get pissed off at people that act like my problems & life could be ‘just’ fixed. Or say that I don’t really have problems, it’s just how I’m looking at it, sorry they’re very real to me.
Everyone does have their own problems & issues but anyone that acts like theirs is always worse is an asshole. I used to try & listen to anyone that needed to talk but not anymore, look where it got me at work & such. It’s funny how I listen to them but they don’t want to listen to me & if they do they laugh or make fun saying that ain’t nothing. Really???? I now keep to myself for the most part.
But all in reality & seriousness I am depressed, I don’t know when it will end. I refuse to be a drugged up person or sleep with a bunch of random men all the time to feel needed or wanted. Fuck that. I’ll just continue to be alone & do what I’m doing.
I am stronger in a sense I believe because I can attack back stronger than I used to be able to do when I get all down & out. But if you need to talk just comment & we will talk it out, I’m not a doctor but I listen well.
Have a great day!

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