November 16, 2017

Good Afternoon

I don’t know how good it is for y’all but I hope it’s alright. I swear the past couple of days I feel like I’m just existing or something.
I guess when you realize where you stand in other people’s lives you kinda take a step back & think wow, damn…really? It’s funny how the need of you changes according to what their needs of you are. I don’t even give a damn about any that chooses to walk away from me. I cared for them & got nothing but shit on. Yea I guess shit is getting to me but I’m human, it’s gonna happen.
I can’t remember the last time someone made me a priority…..makes you feel like you ain’t good enough for no one. BUT….I do know my worth, they can walk away, I’m not losing them, their ass is losing me.
When one thing bothers you it seems like everything comes out that has ever bothered you & you feel it all at once….again. Depression sucks ass.

I actually had been doing really good. That week I was laid off from work was very valuable to me. I realized what I want & don’t want. I was more in tune with myself as well. I spent most of the week by myself & I loved it. I loved the fact that that’s exactly what I want. To work from home & have no need to slave at some horrible job & make someone else richer. No alarm clock, no rushing, no dreading the day, no dealing with bitches & assholes, & no boss.
The step to have that life everyday is scary as hell. I want someone to tell me what I should do but I have to decide & do it for myself. It sucks not having someone to help me or even notice me. But oh well. I know I’ll still make it even if I’m completely alone.
I no longer wish to speak of details about my life, just ’round about’ conversations is about all I say anymore. I used to stay shut down all the time, wouldn’t talk about myself. Then I went through a stage of saying a lot because of this blog until I realized that the people in my life really wasn’t my people at all. Just back stabbers & people who used me & look at me like I’m some joke. I don’t know who or how to trust anymore. Now I just write down in a journal about my day, my problems, fun stuff I did or whatever. Sharing it doesn’t excite me because no one ‘wants’ to hear it anyway. Any desires I have will probably just end up being part of a sexual story or other from now on.

I know it’s all sad & shit again, sorry. I have to vent somewhere or I’ll explode. I’m still not really getting the full venting relief on here but a little bit helps. Going from having people around you & being needed all the time to nothing does something to a person & then everyone new you meet is the same as the people you let go of. Crazy. Is anybody real anymore?
It’s crazy how every 6 months to a year you think well I grew up a little more, then realize you grew up again just like that all of a sudden. Weird. I think more maturity comes in when you get sick of all the bullshit.

It looks like no one is ever going to really know me, people show me often why I can’t trust & shouldn’t let them into my true self. Again, Oh Well….
Okay so I’m over complaining for now, gonna work on Mrs. Badass part 3 today, this one may end up turning into a book someday. I may go ahead & start connecting the stories together for that. I’m trying to put my focus on writing & working online to keep from going crazy. Lol
Have a great day everyone & try to beat the blues with me, we can do this.

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