October 27, 2017

Could Have Been

As I sit here this morning, my mind & heart are in a totally different place than yesterday. Welcome to my depression. But there’s this thing about my depression…certain people & things trigger it. Money is a major trigger. It sucks too, I’m doing everything I can to overcome this financial situation I’ve been stuck in for over a year now. Do you know I haven’t went & done a normal grocery shopping trip since I’ve been single? On my own, with my own money. At most I spend $20-$30 every two weeks to eat off of like hot dogs, corn dogs, etc. Just simple cheap shit. Once in awhile I’ll get some cheap meat because I just feel like my body needs it, I crave it.
If men weren’t such cheating pigs & assholes….they’d still have me. I’m not the greatest woman out there but by God I’m pretty amazing all by myself. But other women, strange pussy is far more important than I am. I ain’t no slack in the bed, kitchen, working, yard work, etc., so why is it that men can’t stop fucking everything that will spread their legs? And I mean they will fuck the ugliest women when they have a goddess at home, why? Immaturity? Mental issues? Just a flat out whore? It pisses me off that because of these men I cannot trust a damn soul out there. I’ll never be able to have a normal relationship with a man simply because I can’t trust.
Could have been……a great relationship with me but they won’t stop cheating, hiding porn, flirting behind my back until it becomes fucking. Nothing but lies over & over, and they can’t even hold their lies straight on their little stories. There ain’t nothing I ain’t been through with a relationship so fooling me isn’t going to do them any good. I will be quite to a certain point before I unload on them. I’ve dealt with these issues with relationships since I was 18 years old. Not saying I was the perfect wife or girlfriend. I too messed up on occasion to get revenge but hey at some point you get tired of being fucked over. Right now I could give someone everything they ever wanted in a woman because I’m tired of being alone & tired of being played but they don’t want that. I want a relationship that I don’t have to worry about cheating all the time. They only want you to be faithful while they play. Some may think they’re really good players but I got news for ya, I’ve been played enough to the point where I can top their ass & I don’t even have to sleep with everyone to know the game. I already know the game, the lies, the actions, the cell phone issues–tilting it sideways just enough so I can’t make it out, laying it face down, never able to go through it or even touch it, & so many more…
I’m done, I’m just so done with all of it. I’m too good of a woman to be treated like that, which is why I am single. No one deserves to fall asleep at night wondering why their self, their love making, their pussy ain’t good enough. Men don’t get it or they don’t care how it makes you feel & I believe the only way they will ever understand it is IF they fall in love with someone & that someone cheats on them like hell…..only then will they understand just how horrible it really makes someone feel. I’ve been so angry at this that I seriously considered making different men fall in love with me & then just destroy them. I was in a very dark place when I wanted to do that, I wanted to pay it back to them. But even in a dark place in my life my heart was still too big to ever do something so devastating to anyone. But can’t blame me for wanting revenge.
I’m in the place in my life because of men BUT I allowed it…. I let them use me because I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be wanted in such a way that I dealt with just whatever. I’m a damn strong woman but this topic is beating the hell out of me. I guess if they cheat, do things behind my back, hide that phone from me, they never loved me in the first place. I was convenient for them. It hurts like hell to know that I’m not good enough to keep a mans eyes & dick only on me. I don’t know if men are even out there that would be faithful to be honest because I watched my mom go through it & I’ve dealt with it, not to mention all the people I’ve seen it happen to as well. I know women cheat to but it’s less likely for the woman to cheat without giving her a solid reason to.
Do I have sex? Yes, on occasion, I’m single I still want sex but I don’t need sex, I can take care of myself. Do I see other men that I’d love to jump in bed with? Yes, but I don’t. Sex isn’t just what I want. I can get anyone to have sex with me & I can get it anytime I want it -I’m female- but I don’t want it from everyone. Am I hit on a lot? Yes!, my phone blows up everyday all day long. It’s not even flattering anymore to me because they don’t see me, they just see a piece of pussy to put under their belt, my feelings or my self would never be considered. Have I ever thought that one of those guys I ignore could be a good guy? Yes I do. The bad have ruined it for the few good guys that might be out there, I’m not even sure if there is really. Hell I get hit on by women too but I ignore them as well, why would I want my attitude around me 24/7…get it?
I want out of this financial nightmare I’m in so bad. I even thought about being a stripper hahaha but I don’t think my lil boobs will bring me a lot of money in lol. But if I thought for a second they would, I’d be working in Atlanta lol. I could pay all debts off & get me a nice house & ride within 6 months of doing that kinda job. For one, I can dance. For two, I’m sensual & sexual, & I love sex related anything. But what would my kids & grand kid on the way think of me? lol. Plus I’m not in my twenties anymore but at the same time I don’t act like I’m 41 either, some say I don’t look it but I don’t know.
Okay I guess I will quit ranting now, had to get it off my chest. Have a great day everyone!
Love, Lori
 
 
 

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