I really should be sleeping instead of writing. My heart is heavy and there’s nothing I can do about it except to just let it go. I hate losing people but I really hate losing someone based on rumors and never really discussing the actual problems. We clicked but people said shit to us both and those rumors ruined our friendship. Lesson learned I reckon, don’t listen to gossipers huh? I tend to want to act on social media like say what I’m feeling but a really good friend of mine keeps me in check on that. It’s drama and I despise drama. It’s just when I get hurt I either shut down or go all out mouthing, there is no in between.
I’ve been sitting here on my bed staring at the walls and just thinking, thinking hard. Thinking about how stuff has caused me to lose myself yet again. I cried, I cried hard because that isn’t me to be so bitter (a word I hate) or so fucking unhappy all the time. I’m trying to speak as adult like as I can because the childish drama stuff is over and it’s done. I no longer wish to be what it tried to make me out to be, a boring, bitter, rude ass bitch. Problems didn’t exactly take full control of my life but they were well on their way. I listened and reread my good friends messages over and over and also some girlfriends messages as well. I do take things a bit to serious I guess and some will never understand why I do. It’s not right for me to take things like that but I have just reasons to. I’m human and I’m a female (which fucks me up emotionally everyday lol). I tend to wear my heart on my shoulder along with my problems and they eat at me until I snap my shit.
I can’t force anyone to believe I’m honest or even faithful and vice versa. All I know is to just keep being myself…my goofy fun loving self…and not worry who comes and goes. If they leave, well it’s gonna hurt but I can’t make them stay. The only way to prove my honesty and faithfulness and worth is to just be Lori.
I kinda lost sight of working on my goals and building my empire so to speak. I think a good cry done me some good, I really do. I don’t cry all the time like I used to, it’s rare now. I’ll tear up ever now and then but not full blown laying in the floor like a baby. But I want to get back on track with everything I’ve been working on. While I was thinking I realized I hadn’t even wrote anything to do with the sexual stories lol. I’m not even sure if I will continue those actually, brings in a lot of negativity from males and it’s irritating.
But besides all that I’m 41 and I’m full of life. People used to ask me, ‘Are you sure you’re in your forties?’ Haha. I love that. I don’t do anything most people my age do. Hell I have a killer sound system in my pickup truck that young ones would have and I will crank it up loud and be bumping all day lol. I don’t have a set bedtime or even a routine, I just do whatever I feel basically. Yes I’m single-ish, but one thing I will stand for is I won’t sleep around, the guilt would eat me alive and I’d say you could probably see the guilt on my face lol. There’s some nights all I do is dance around in the kitchen putting on my own little concert and show. I love being ‘that’ me and I’m happier as well.
Well I need sleep, I gotta work in the am. I just needed to write out what I’m feeling, I was tossing and turning. Good night y’all.