October 5, 2017

Off in my own little world..

I’ve been pretty quite for a few days. At home, work, and online. Sometimes I just need to get away. Sometimes when your’re quite you learn a lot too. I’m not saying anyone doesn’t care about me but only those that do will notice I’m quite and something is wrong. Others just don’t give a shit which means they didn’t care in the first place. But sometimes going through stuff shows you who is really there for you.
Not being quite for attention LOL in case you thought that. To me it’s, I get wrapped up in things and people thinking I mean something then get smacked in the face realizing I don’t, so I take a step back to shake it off. May be confusing to you but it makes perfect sense to me. I don’t want to be somewhere I shouldn’t be and I don’t want to be around people that don’t really want me around. I will not force anything or anyone to have something to do with me.
I think since I’ve been single I attach to those people I do have more than anyone else. And it causes me to think I’m something special when in reality I’m no different than anybody else. I know, it sounds like a pity party lol but it’s not. I just only want those around me that WANT to be around me and have the things that’s meant for me. Why? Because I have had enough fake relationships no matter what the relationship is that are fake as can be and I’ve had enough of all the hell life throws at me. Honestly I think sometimes God wants me to be alone to find peace on my own and not in people or things. Then again it could be that there’s just really that many assholes out there and I’m a broke individual hahaha!
So what do I do about it all?….(me shrugging my shoulders & rolling my eyes)…I dunno…lol. 🤔🙄😂
Somehow things will get better. I think a good start would be to find another job….period. I absolutely despise the one I have and it just makes everything suck. When you go unappreciated for so long, you just stop giving a damn. The biggest reason I haven’t found another job is because there ain’t nothing much other than the kind of job I’m doing out there that pays somewhat decent. If I hate what I’m doing, I’m damn sure not going to work elsewhere doing the same frigging thing.
I’ve sat around long enough feeling like I don’t matter and ain’t good enough. Regardless if I still feel that way, I’m gonna attempt to ignore it. Don’t like me? Leave. Don’t want me? Leave. I ain’t enough? Leave. I don’t care anymore, I’ve lost so many people since I went from having everything to barely eating over the past year & a half that I could care less. Like I said it shows you who is really there for you and apparently I need to choose better people.
I may not have much going for me at the moment but someday someone will love everything about me that others take for granted and will never let me go. Just the way I am will be enough to keep just one persons attention on me and only me, no secrets, no lies, no cheating no more, no mind games ever again.
No I don’t search at all. All anybody is really looking for is ‘situationships’ not relationships. And omg apparently social media is nothing other than hooking up, makes me sick. I myself can’t hardly post anything without someone commenting something about how I need them or my messenger will blow up as soon as they see a post. I ain’t nobody’s damn baby-they don’t pay my bills! I tried yesterday to share shit and interact but within no time there went the messages and then I see shit on my wall that makes my blood boil. Tired of it. Me-angry?…nope, more like fed up.
Alright, I’m gonna hush before I say more junk I shouldn’t.

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