September 6, 2017

Silent Pain Most Don't Know Shit About

Those that don’t really know depression have no idea what the hell is going on with someone that does. A lot of people say they had it or have it but can’t relate….they don’t. Those that don’t understand are ready to drop you in a second because they don’t get you and you annoy them, they can’t tolerate you. Newsflash! I can’t damn tolerate me neither but I’m fucking trying ok!!!

I now have two people who are taking time out for me that don’t have too and are checking up on me and trying to help me through this. I’m grateful that they are because there sure as hell ain’t nobody else doing it. Even though they don’t have to, they will contact me. If I don’t answer and I’m flipping out, one of them will not stop until they get ahold of me. These kind of people are who I need. It takes like 3 seconds to send a damn message and say ‘hey you ok’? People say they’re your friend but never do nothing for you. All of us have those kinds of ‘friends’ I reckon.
I’m ok, I’m just aggravated. I just wanna scream ‘I’m normal dammit, just bare with me for a cotton picking minute!!!! This isn’t me but I’m trying to pull that woman I knew back out of the fire. I’m losing people….simply because they either don’t understand or don’t really care about me at all. They say when your down you find out who really gives a fuck about you. I guess I’ll see when it’s all over who’s still standing there beside me and who has left me or let me go……………..
Once again, it’ll be their loss not mine. I’m a pretty cool person underneath this craziness.

I did not finish the kitchen yet. I tried working at it and did ok until it hit me, that was it. I was kneeled on the floor-paintbrush in hand, getting paint in my damn hair ugh- bawling for no damn good reason..again. It’s starting to aggravate me so I’m hoping that’s a good sign. A sign I have strength left to fight it! I sure as hell ain’t happy with it.
You know what? You know what I want the most? -To be held- once in awhile. Hug the pain away if it’s only a temporary relief for me.
I need more dogs lol, Big dogs, they hug back! I miss my boxers still and my pitbull that died. Detroit, Diesel, & Brantley. They were huge! And all 3 thought they were lap dogs lol. Let me tell you how close I get to my animals….if I’m happy-they’re happy. If I’m scared- they’re in defense mode. If I cry-they cry, cuddle me, nudge at me looking into my eyes, and lick my face until I laugh then tails start wagging. That’s love right there. I wish a man showed me as much love as they can…and wagged his tail 😂😂😂 I’d smack it. 🤘🏻😝
The sleepier I get the better I start feeling hence that’s why I sleep a lot lately. Sleep or 420 which I don’t do much of, can’t afford it. I have to have someway to escape.
I’m sitting here writing and dozing and already thinking about my morning coffee lol. In my world, I don’t have much to look forward to on a regular basis. Coffee, supper, payday, once in a blue moon of getting laid. 𗀔
I haven’t lost interest in sex or writing sex stories, I just can’t focus on nothing right now. It takes me forever just to write these posts and they’re not long at all. I know I’m slacking in writing, as a friend, as a girlfriend, as a normal person, etc. I promise I’m doing everything I can to the best of my ability on my own……Bare with me.
Goodnight y’all, sweet dreams!

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